With delightful curiosity, a client recently asked, “What is the benefit of participating in a committed relationship?” Great question. I’m a fan of the long term commitment to learning to love one person and letting that person learn to love me. Yet, with her question, I couldn’t quite find the words to answer the question.
So here’s round 2 of my attempt answer that question from my perspective and I would love it if you would join the conversation and add your point of view.
I think I’d start the exploration of answering that question with another question (tricky, right?), “What have been the benefits of your participation in other loving, committed relationships?”
I think there are “shiny” little presents that come from participating in a committed loving relationship that don’t show up in other areas of life. I’m not just talking about the Redbook response here…you know…companionship, someone sharing your jokes…I’m talking about the benefit of participating in a committed relationship has to your spiritual growth.
I think that that participating in a committed relationship implies love. That loving relationship then forms a kind of crucible for transformation. In that crucible, I think we have the potential of becoming more adept at knowing what to let go of and what to hold on to — perhaps an essential knowing in growing more into who we really are as we walk in this human life — balancing attachment and non-attachment.
Another benefit is learning to balance respect for self with respect for other — learning to recognize, over and over and over the Divine within me and the Divine before me. This kind of real balancing act becomes more nuanced in committing to love someone totally. It becomes more nuanced in the community of intimate love. Then, the love itself, the relationship itself becomes the wisdom teacher. This wisdom blossoms in the field of committed love — again, what do I hold on to and what do I let go of in order to cultivate the knowledge of the Truth? Not an easy question to answer. Harder still in the context of committed relationships. If not for the commitment, I don’t have to ask the question.
In a committed relationship, there’s the challenge to not lose oneself in the process, not to betray oneself — to remain true to oneself. In some ways, I think being in a committed relationship is a commitment to discover and live in Truth – THROUGH the learning that comes from being in committed relationship. So the commitment is a commitment to Truth and to the Self. The relationship is the mirror.
And, let me tell you, after 30 years with the same person, sometimes that mirror needs some significant polishing! The polishing takes the form of owning my shadow self with all its gradations and engaging deep with those parts of me that I would rather disown, deny or project out on my beloved. He’s not so keen to be the object of my projections. Truth told, neither am I.
Some say that this kind of commitment is a high level sadhana, spiritual practice and walk. I’m not so sure, because that implies a greater than and a less than. I don’t really buy into that line of thinking when it comes to sadhana. That said, being in relationship like this, with this kind of commitment sometimes feels like graduate school at finals time!
I also think that there are layers and textures of humility, strength, love and respect that I wouldn’t be able to totally grock if not in relationship – these divine qualities expressed in humanity revealed in committed love shine as light through a mult-faceted diamond – hard won. Just as a diamond is formed and revealed only after being subjected to pressure, a LOT of pressure – a lump of coal under pressure. Perhaps committed love is the same.
The rough and unseen, unacknowledged and unrecognized rough edges of the ego are gradually exposed and worn away – revealing the shiny love of the Soul. Whereas the ego reveals itself in our reactions each other, the Soul may reveal itself in our deep acceptance of each other.
Still with me?
As for this kind of deep true acceptance, there’s the opportunity to unravel some metaphors of LIFE. If I’m feeling challenged to fully accept something about my beloved, what’s the something? What’s the metaphor here, what am I trying to teach myself through metaphor? What does it really mean to accept another beyond the concretized illusion in front of me?
Another area in this playground of committed love is the jungle gym of power – relinquishing power and asserting power – more of learning to discern what to hold onto and what to let go of – that dance between our masculine and feminine natures.
In this dance, on this playground, I think that committed love has the potential of moving us past the IDEA of love to LOVE. To love the idea of LOVE without the practical experience of getting back to LOVE frees seems to imprison one in a kind of virtuous delusion, liberated from the daily, sometimes moment by moment struggle to fully LOVE someone – warts and all AND letting them learn to love you.
So. LOVE becomes a territory, often without a good map. It’s full of surprises, challenges, raw untamed beauty and raw untamed pain. Commitment increases your capacity to love beyond what you think possible. This kind of commitment demands you stay AWAKE and intentional. It demands that you increase your capacity to fully see from another’s perspective. Ken Wilber said, “The more perspectives I can see – the more I can LOVE.”
Obviously, this is not the only territory for transcendence, just one of the playgrounds.
The goal of this kind of love is transcendence: trance – end – dance.
All this said, it seems to me that the big questions to ask are “What is the benefit of committing to love this person? Are we both committed enough to awakened love, to do the hard work, to live outside the gilded cage of the idea of love to explore the unmapped territory of LOVE?”
On a lighter note, make some popcorn and rent “THE PRINCESS BRIDE.” This fable is chock-ful of metaphors, fun, and heroism in the territory of LOVE.
OH! And, check out my New Year’s Message Tele-Retreat!
So, what do you think? Join the conversation and add your two cents.
