When I was old enough to realize that my family of origin was slightly more damaged than was functional I made a vow to myself. I swore that I would be the last person in our genetic line to deal with life the way my parents and the generations before them had. And I have spent the better part of the last 15 years (the vow came well before my ability to do anything about it) pursuing ways to heal.

At first, it was a lot of sit down and talk therapy. It was validating and for the longest time that may have been the only thing to which I could respond. But gradually, I got bored. This in itself was huge because I am one of those people who can spin a story in three seconds flat and I knew that to get bored with story meant that I was ready for the next level.

For the longest time, I thought that dealing with issues meant just that, dealing with the issue. Talking it over, thinking it out, wearing it (and myself) down like a stone in a current. I thought it took effort and pain and often reliving emotions. And while all of this can be cathartic, for me, it never really seemed to help me go beyond that issue. I would deal with my anger over something and then the next day or week I would be dealing with that same anger over that same issue.

So when Melanie told me that Spiritual Technology and PEAT work were nothing like that, I was skeptical and intrigued. Could I really be done with an issue in a session of this work and not be triggered by it again? As if I had packed it in a suitcase and left it by the side of my road?

My answer is yes. When I left her office after my first PEAT session, I noticed right away that colors seemed brighter and lines sharper. It seemed as though a film had been lifted away from my eyes. So I tested it.

The issue Melanie had been helping me integrate was one of letting go of an old relationship. It was an issue that still held a lot of my energy and I wanted to finally be done with it. So I thought of him. And I thought of him when we were happy and when we hated each other. And it was like watching a movie.
The good, the bad, and the in-between all simply were. I didn’t feel angry or bitter where I had before over certain memories; nor did I feel that sadness that came with feeling as though I had lost the good stuff.

It was not a process of years of talking and dealing. It was a thirty minute session where I closed my eyes and breathed. Melanie led me through a series of questions and answers until we reached the intention I had placed at the beginning: peace.

thanks to Ed Bolden for the photo

Goal setting is huge in our culture. We are a future and accomplishment oriented society and many of us live only to see the next day’s task completed. But what happens when something gets in the way?

How do you react when an obstacle is placed in your path to your goal? Do you throw up your hands? Wait? Study? Laugh? Give up completely?

Many of us want to give up because we have misread what an obstacle actually is. Maybe we believe it is trying to tell us that the goal is not worthwhile or that we are fundamentally lacking what we need to achieve our goals. But what if obstacles are merely unopened doors to stimulate rather than intimidate us?

Any goal, so long as it is a goal that is meaningful to you, is a worthwhile goal. Further, none of us lack anything we need to carry out our work. Let’s run past this one more time, none of us lack anything to carry our our work. What if we remembered that, especially when encountering some obstacles.

 These ideas may take getting used to. It is inevitable that when we set a goal some resistance is going to show up. That is part of the play of Consciousness. We have our ideas and our timelines for how our lives should go. Rarely do things go as planned.

The trick is to have a goal so valuable to you that you are willing to take another look at the obstacles thrown at you and use them as learning opportunities instead of some kind of cosmic message to leave the field. We could reframe obstacles, not as yes or no answers to questions we’ve posed, but as questions posed to us: What is your next best step now? What would help you here? Where can you go for support? Where can you look more deeply to discover what is most valuable about this experience?

Obstacles are purely opportunities to probe deeper into our own consciousness. Do we need to let go of some piece or our goal? Has another part become more important? What do I need to learn about myself? What qualities within myself do I need to cultivate in order to truly be fulfilled here?

We have all the tools we need but, like muscles, some of our qualities may need some strengthening before we are able to continue. We can break down our big dream into smaller chunks of a goal so that, instead of becoming overwhelmed by the vastness of it all, we can take the next best step. And the one after that, and the next one after that.

For me, in my own personal goal setting, I like to stay inspired and flexible. Find stories that inspire you to keep going. Though, know that sometimes the goal could change completely in a split second. For instance, instead of winning the race, the goal might, in an instant, transform into finishing the race. Because, sometimes, “giving up” becomes the goal. And there’s the real trick knowing when to give up and when to persist.

I am a big believer in mentors.  Mentors have enriched my life throughout my life.  My first mentor was Dick Olney, the father of Self Acceptance Training.  More recently, I’ve been studying with Zivorad Slavinski, the founder of Spiritual Technology.  Both Dick and Zivorad have deeply influenced me both personally and professionally.  More recently, I’ve found business mentors – two incredible women who are teaching me how to share what I have to share.  As a social worker, I’ve been challenged to find teachers who come at business from a heart-centered/service oriented place – enter Tory Johnson and Michelle Pippin.

When I’ve asked Tory about some project I’m working on, her first question is something along the lines of “what outcome are you going for?”  I love that question.  It refocuses me back to my intention.  It brings me back to beginning with the end in mind.

Well here’s where it gets interesting for me.  A few months back I did a piece of Spiritual Technology work with a friend of mine, Judith Daniel, that Zivorad calls the “Unification of Time.”  One of the many benefits of this piece of work has been that I’ve come more fully into the present with more clarity about the past and future.   At least that’s how I’ve experienced it and what my clients describe. 

This means that though I’ve had a daily meditation practice for the last almost 30 years and have long experienced the benefits of mindfulness meditation, after this work I’ve found myself effortlessly experiencing myself in the present.  For those of you who have read Eckhart Tolle or practice mindfulness meditation, I trust that you can understand what I’m talking about here.  Another of the benefits of this piece of work has been that I’ve found myself being much clearer about my goals in just about every area of life.  Further, this clarity has not come from sitting down and fretting over goals, it’s been more like I’ve become aware of goals from a purer place within, goals that are aligned with me at the deepest level.  Very cool.

Anyway, back to the beginning with the end in mind.  After this work with Judith, I found myself thinking more and more about my death.  If you’ve never contemplated your death, it’s a worthwhile contemplation.  In thinking about my death, I found myself remembering Tory’s question and asked myself, “What kind of death do I want?  And if I want that kind of death, what do I need to do NOW to set the stage for that?”  I’m beginning with the end in mind — with the awareness of my eventual death.   I’m quite certain that when Tory asks me this question, she is not intending that I think about my death, but about what I’m offering in my business.  What’s a contemplative girl to do?

This contemplation has inspired me in numerous ways.  I’m walking more, I’m coming out of the closet with offering more workshops in spiritual technology, even the way I interact seems to be changing — effortlessly.  This contemplation is putting my life in perspective in a different way.  Of course, I’ve always known that I will one day die.  But somehow holding that contemplation has opened up life for me in a new way.  It feels like I’m living more fully, more freely.

It’s like Steve Jobs said, “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

How do you stay on track with living more fully and following your heart?

It was a dark night in Memphis.  I was heading to the hotel.  Friendly people on the corner greeted me.  As I turned to respond, I missed the curb and BAM!  In an instant I was on the ground.  My glasses flew off my face and my bag went flying.  Yowee.  Kazowee!

Image courtesy of pamsclipart.com

All is well, just a scrape here and bruise there.  No big deal.  The big deal came later as I sat down to reflect on what happened.  I have fallen in the past, on ski slopes, in the back yard, on stage (during rehearsal, thank goodness) and countless other places.  In fact, I remember my father saying that I could trip over a rose in the carpet.  It seems I was way over due for a little self reflection about this pattern.

A practice of self reflection can help us unearth old tendencies and release patterns of feeling and being.  Moreover, self reflection goes a long way towards cultivating greater self awareness.  Engaging in rigorous and honest self reflection demands both courage and compassion.  For in order to cultivate a life long discipline of self reflection, you need to know that you are not going to beat yourself up every time you find yourself “less than” some ideal image you hold of who and how you should be…so you need self compassion.  And, courage, hooboy do you need courage to be honest with yourself as you reflect!

Can you see how this works?  Because if you are going to be rigorously honest with yourself, you need the courage to face what you find.  And if you are going to willingly address what you find, you need to be compassionate with yourself so that you can face whatever you’ve found with a kind heart.

What I found is an old pattern rooted in a fall I took as a child and the guilt I felt about that fall.  I also found a feeling of fear about my body.  Armed with this knowledge, I was able to dismantle the intrapsychic structures supporting this old tendency using spiritual technology.

Spiritual technology processes are fabulous tools that aid in releasing the tensions that accumulate in life and beyond that, they provide a means of releasing the pain caused by being caught between pairs of opposites.  In this case, it was the duality of confidence and fear along with guilt and freedom that were influencing my behavior and my state.

What might change for you if you approached your self reflection with greater courage and compassion?  Are there pairs of opposites showing up in your life that are contributing to patterns that don’t support your well-being?

At dinner the other night with a group of friends, my friend Ginny shared pictures and stories from a trip she took to Bali.  For me, what was striking about the conversation was how she kept coming back to the word “freedom.”  Ginny also touched on something that I’ve been thinking about for a very long time now, that our freedom is also our responsibility.  She illustrated this with a great story about an elephant driver, Mu.

Mu

It seems that Mu was pegged to enter banking as a career.  Then to the dismay and hopefully eventual acceptance of his family, he chose to become an elephant driver.  He was insistent that he couldn’t be happy as a banker.  He needed to be an elephant driver.  Mu took up the reins of his life and chose his path.  Freedom.  Mu embraced the responsibility for his happiness in life and chose the thing that would grant him the most happiness – elephants.

Our freedom is our responsibility.  For Mu, freedom was found in taking responsibility for his happiness and choosing that which filled his heart with joy.

Freedom.  It’s a word we toss about in political conversation.  It’s used as a way to explain our wars.  It’s also something that people use as a reason not to be in relationship.  For me, it’s a deeply held core value.   It has played out in my chosen career, in my choice of partner, and in my relentless search for a lasting experience of God, of true Freedom, not just the single experience, but the steadfast awareness that transcends the daily dramas of life.

In many spiritual traditions, true Freedom, freedom with a capital “F,” is considered to be freedom from suffering.  Moreover, suffering is thought to ultimately be caused by our being wrapped up in our attraction to this and our aversion to that – a play created by the tension between pairs of opposites.  On the other hand, Freedom lies in our ability to transcend, to end the trance of being caught up in this play.

I see this playing out in my own life and in the lives of my clients.  When you or I feel some sense of things not being okay, to me, that’s an indication that there is a tension of some pair of opposites in play and out of balance.  Bringing those opposites back into balance has the remarkable effect of restoring a sense of well-being.  This has become even more evident after having completed the training to become a trainer of spiritual technologies.

Some of you know that I’ve been studying this work of Zivorad Slavinski for quite some time.  What’s remarkable to me about this work is that it gives us processes by which we can transcend the play of polarities in life.  I was initially skeptical at the veracity of such a bold statement.  But now, four years later, I’ve seen the difference with my clients and I feel the difference in myself.  I fully believe that aphorism, “s^*t happens, suffering is optional.”  Therein lies our freedom.

Funny, I have freely moved through a variety of spiritual paths in search of Freedom.  Perhaps by the time it’s all said and done, I’ll be a little like Einstein and know a thousand ways you cannot attain self realization, freedom.  It only takes one.  In the meantime, I am delighting in the journey more than I have in years as I’m feeling more free day by day.

What about you?  What is freedom to you?  What do you think is the relationship between freedom and responsibility?

Twenty years ago this year, I moved from Salt Lake City, Utah to east Tennessee.  For me, it was a bit of a challenging move.  For all its conservativeness, the culture of Salt Lake was balanced by an open-minded contingency of people.  There were lots of yoga studios, drumming circles, alternative approaches to mental and spiritual well-being.  I fit in.

I had a thriving practice and active social life.  When I moved to east Tennessee (remember this was in the days before the internet) there was one yoga studio and I could not easily find like-minded people.  I was afraid of being professionally rejected.  Being rejected as a psychotherapist meant that I would not be able to practice.  Not being able to help people release emotional pain and fall in love with themselves and life would have broken my heart.

A part of me went into the closet a little bit.  I was not fully conscious of this then.  I just knew that my clinical training was not at all like most other practitioners and my way of viewing the world was quite different.  It was clear that I was “not from around here.”  That’s really not such a problem, not being from somewhere. My early and teen years were spent as an army brat.  So I was always “not from around” where ever I was.  What was a problem was my not knowing how fully stand in my skills and understanding about personal growth and spiritual evolution while simultaneously building a psychotherapy and later coaching practice in a community where meditation was perceived as evil.

So, I shut a part of me away in the closet.  I wasn’t even conscious of doing this.  Part of me was afraid, so I hid a bit.  Even now, writing this, it’s a little unnerving.  For, I am aware of feeling small hints of the lingering fear of rejection.  But the truth is I allow for a fuller expression of who I AM when I liberate myself from fear in all of its manifestations.  That’s true of all of us.  I’m no different.

Coming out of the closet professionally is one more step in dismantling fear.  Twenty years ago, rejection meant that I would not be able to build a psychotherapy practice.  So, I unconsciously chose to restrict myself out of fear. That’s ok. Now, I think that’s just how it unfolded and it was perfect.

The short story of all of this is that I am coming out of the closet, so watch for some changes on this site. A client recently pointed out to me that she couldn’t really see the fullness of what I do expressed on my website.  Though clients for whom I am a perfect fit have found their way to me and have trusted me with their hearts.  Yet, you wouldn’t fully be able to grasp the depth of what I offer if you just poked around on this site.  Time to change that.

For instance, though I mention retreats, I don’t think that there’s any way anyone could know the richness of spiritual transformation that happens on these retreats. So, I’m coming out of the closet and will be attempting to more clearly articulate what I offer.  Stay tuned.

In the meantime, are there ways that you are hiding?  What parts of you are you keeping in the closet out of fear?  I think about the small ways that some of us hide and am reminded of the tremendous hiding that some of our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters endure.  Their courage inspires me.  If you want to get inspired to come out of the closet a little, join me and let’s take a lesson from our courageous brothers and sisters.   Check out It Gets Better.

These last couple of weeks, I’ve been hearing a theme in my work with people – “How do I disagree with my partner in a respectful way?”  A young couple I’m seeing in my practice have been going around with this one for a while.  I certainly remember being in the first years of my relationship with husband, David (going on thirty years now).  We sure have bumped up against the challenge of respectfully disagreeing.

It’s not uncommon when we disagree with someone to feel disrespected or not heard.  We can all easily make the mistaken assumption that our loved one’s disagreeing, their having another point of view, means that they either don’t hear us — after all, if they really heard what we were saying, how on earth could they disagree!? — or that they are simply being disrespectful.

Disagreeing is neither.  Disagreeing simply means that the other person has a different perspective.  Sometimes, the only way David and I could find our way through an argument was to take a deep breath and say, “You know, you and I just aren’t the same.”  That can feel like a hard fall from the sweet space of falling in love.  Others say, “the honeymoon’s over.”  Yes, and . . .

Learning to disagree and equally important, learning to accept that our sweet one doesn’t see life the same way we do is essential to fully respecting each other.  Cultivating the hard won appreciation that our beloved sees the world through their own eyes and not ours ultimately grants a kind of serenity you might feel after practicing a balance pose over and over and finally standing on one foot with complete equipoise.

Here are few tips to help you hold your balance when you are thrown off by disagreements:

1.  Listen, really listen.  Make sure you really hear what the other person is saying.  Listen for the content and the feelings beneath the content.  What are they feeling?  What need are they trying to express?  Reflect back what you hear to make sure you fully understand.  As much as possible, reflect your understanding with kind words and a kind open expression.  Sometimes, if you are still feeling charged up because you are not being heard, this kind of listening might be very very difficult.  If that’s the case, practice self control and/or take some time and clear the charge you are feeling so  you can listen more carefully.

2.  Practice being courteous.  One of the qualities that gets lost in many relationships is simple courteousness.  Everyday, aim to treat “your people” with kind courtesy.  This might mean treating each other like guests in your home, it might mean doing tiny kindnesses for them.  In disagreements, this means sharing your point of view politely in a calm voice.  Again, if you are feeling too charged up, learning to clear the emotional energetic charge can really help you listen to your beloved and express your point of view with heartfelt respect.

3.  Ask if your disagreeing partner is ready and willing to hear your point of view.  Be ready to wait as they really and truly may not be in a place that they are ready to listen to you.  If they are ready and willing, share yourself.  Share your thoughts and the rationale behind what you think.  As best you can, share your needs and your feelings.  Don’t make them guess.  Remember, you do not need to abandon or sacrifice self respect to respect someone else.  Share from a position of truly sharing, not to try to convince or persuade, just to share.  Part of your sharing might include how hearing your partner has influenced your perspective.  Or perhaps has you listened, you could hear some truth in what your partner shared.  You might even have clarity about what need of yours is in play. What need is being met or not met by your perspective.

4.  Finally, remember that coming to agreement does not necessarily mean that you will 100% agree with each other and it doesn’t always mean compromising.  There are gradients of agreement.  And from my perspective, the value of learning to disagree with each other respectfully is coming back to the sweet spot of truly seeing and being seen by the one you love.  That’s the true aim of disagreeing respectfully.

I wonder how our world might look if we all learned to disagree respectfully and honored gradients of agreement.  What are your tips for disagreeing respectfully?

This Saturday is National Yoga Day.  Do yourself a favor and practice a bit of yoga, either in a class or in your living room.  Then, do your relationships a favor and indulge in taking yoga off the mat and into your relationships.

We know that yoga is about releasing tensions, building strength, and increasing flexibility.  But let’s all take in a deep breath together and remember that yoga is ultimately about union, union with God, Spirit, the Great Mystery.  The physical yoga practices definitely help yoga students release these tensions.  Yet yoga can become even more powerful when you take it off the mat and into your relationships.

Consider for a moment that if what most sacred texts from the Bible to the Bhagavad Gita say is true, that the kingdom of God is within, that God dwells within you as you, well, then take a look in the mirror.  Look at the person sitting across from you.  Can you see God peeking out?

For most of us, we have to practice a little before we can truly say that we can see the Great Mystery of Divinity peeking out at us through our own eyes or the eyes of another.  Loving kindness is one way to practice yoga off the mat.  It helps release the tension felt in relationship.  You can use this practice in your relationship with yourself, with others and even with your own body.

As our lives take place in the context of relationships, relationships can be like a yoga mat that is slung over your shoulders in every moment of life.  It’s so ever-present, you might not even be aware of the impact of your relationships on your overall sense of well-being. Relationships just might be one of the most perfect practice spaces for yoga.

In relationships, your attitude contributes to the level of tension you may feel.  With the practice of loving kindness, you cultivate an attitude of friendliness that can help you become more accepting and more compassionate towards yourself and others.  As you consciously practice a friendly attitude towards yourself and others, the tension within that relationship can gradually release.  As the tension releases, you begin to experience more union.

A feeling of easy calm, lightheartedness, and friendly attitude can be a kind of reference point, an indicator of the level of the amount of tension held in a relationship.  If there is tension, try a little loving kindness practice.

Essentially, loving kindness is the ongoing heart-felt practice of wishing others well.  Just like in the physical yogas, it is something that you practice.  The more you practice, the more adept you become.  The practice looks quite simple, much like the mountain pose in yoga.  In mountain, it looks like you are just standing there.  Yet the pose is very grounding.

In the same way, loving kindness practice may look like not much is going on, yet there is an internal stretching and quiet release of tension.  Much like a side stretch gently releases tension in the side body, loving kindness releases tension in the heart.

Huxley is releasing his tension with his version of Shivasana!

You can practice loving kindness every day by sitting quietly and restfully.  Then bring to mind people you care about and wish them well, wish them freedom from suffering.  ”May they be happy.  May they be free from suffering.”  Then bring to mind strangers, folks you might see at the grocer. Wish them well, freedom from suffering.  Then go through the same process with people who are challenging for you.  Don’t forget to wish yourself well, wish yourself freedom from suffering.  (If this interests you, send me an email and I’ll send you a link to a free recording to help you practice.)

If you find that the tension in your relationship with yourself or others is not responding to your loving kindness practice, it’s not fully releasing on its own, that’s where the support of a skilled therapist or coach can help.  Your part is to show up and receive the support that’s available.  Just as you wouldn’t try to do some of the harder yoga poses without the support of a skilled teacher, there are aspects of relationship tension that call for skilled support so that you can restore sweet union.

On Saturday, I had the great good fortune to spend time with about 10 women who were keen to learn how to Take Yoga off the Mat for the Holidays.  I shared tools and tips with them about how to let go of the stress associated with the holidays and how to untangle from the tyranny of expectations.

One woman shared that part of her intention for being there was to set a strong intention for how she wanted to be during the holidays.

This is such an important lesson.  When you know how you want to be, you can use that feeling state as a reference point, as a kind of beacon.  When you know where you are heading, it’s much easier to see when you’ve gone off course, and make any course corrections needed to get yourself back in line with your goal.

I intend to cultivate lightheartedness during the holidays.  What about you?  What kind of state do you want to cultivate?  Seriously, post a comment and share your intentional goal.  Put it out there.  Together we can create some kind of wonderful.  Imagine the mosaic of jeweled qualities secretly shining in people all around the world.  It makes me think of the heart-openingly beautiful stained glass I’ve seen.  Imagine our hearts shining with the multi-colors of our best qualities…lighthearted, peaceful, loving, joyous, playful, gentle, grateful, compassionate … the jewels of our hearts sublime qualities compile a long list.

It’s one thing to make a commitment to the kind of state you want to play in for a period of time.  It’s another thing to COMMIT to restoring your state when you’ve gone off course.  How will you course correct?  By that I mean, what are you going to DO to return to you intentional state of being?  Alternatively, how will you cultivate your chosen state?

These are real questions.  Scroll to the top and comment to share you wisdom!  Let’s think of this as a kind of virtual gift exchange — share what you know and help others create the kind of holiday that will nurture their spirit while letting their heart’s jewels shine.

P.S.  Don’t miss out on my next retreat!  Register before December 15th for the early bird discount.

This morning, my daughter shared a video with me.  And I want to share it with you.  So, instead of posting something for you to read, take a few minutes and watch this video.  This is why I do what I do.

So, how’s your state?  What are you empathically sharing with others?  If your state is not quite where you want it to be, how do you shift your state?