In a nutshell, it was fantastic!  The food, the setting, the companionship, the wisdom and reflection —  all of it was just fantastic!  I loved watching the women on the retreat blossom in the warmth of a small group of incredible women in an incredible setting.  And, the sunflowers WERE in bloom!  Just glorious.

Sunflowers in Monclar de Quercy

Each morning, we began the day in a stained glass windowed room with meditation followed by stretching… or vice versa.  The day unfolded from there with a variety of activities from one-to-one sessions with me, massage, facials, walks, excursions to simply exquisite places, delicious food, retreat sessions and great good company.

One participant shared that “this trip was, by far, the best trip I’ve ever taken!”

I think that something magical and alchemical happens when you bring together a group of women in a setting away from the familiar.  There were new insights and breakthroughs everyday.

One breakthrough for me was realizing that I absolutely love doing retreats like this in other countries and in our own magnificent country.  By the time it was all over, the participants were saying, “Where are we going next year?  Bali?  The Amalfi Coast of Italy?

There are several amazing places for retreat.  And, I’m am more and more clear about the difference between a retreat and a vacation.  One big difference is a schedule.  On my retreats, we take the support of a flexible schedule.  One primary benefit of having a flexible schedule is that the benefits of the retreat stay long after the retreat is over.  That’s not always the case with a vacation.  Another benefit of a flexible schedule is that you are able to experience and integrate new places, new people and new, more authentic ways of being.

If you’ve not planned a retreat for yourself yet this year, plan one!  Take a look at my book, an illumined life, if you need some support.

If you are a woman and would like to join me on retreat, take part in this survey and help me choose the time and location of our next retreat!  Take the survey now.

Reflecting in Carcassonne

Here’s the good news, not all of life is suffering.  What this means in terms of being in life with more equipoise, with greater equanimity,  is that as you practice being in life with friendly detachment, the ups and downs of life’s storms – - – even the emotional storms have less power over you.

Rarely does an emotional storm just hit.  Imagine you are standing in your doorway looking out on a bright sunny day and then all of a sudden, I mean in an instant, you are swept out of your doorway into the broiling fury of a hurricane.

Storms don’t really work like that.  First you might notice a cool wind, then the clouds start to shift, then the sky gets dark, then it starts drizzling, then it starts raining.  Then the thunder and lightening, then maybe there’s hail and furious winds, by now, you should be taking cover, right?  Gradually, the storm dissipates.  The thunder and lightening rolls away, the rain lessons and then becomes a sprinkle and soon the sun is back out with it’s warmth and promise.

Emotionally, it’s much the same.  Notice the choice points every step of the way.  There are choice points where you can notice the thought (maybe it has something to do with attraction or aversion), you can right then practice being with the thought and the emotion while it’s a breeze before it becomes a wind.  As a physician friend said, you begin to activate Heisenberg’s Principle (I think that’s correct).  Watching changes what you are watching.  Wanna read that again?  Watching, changes what you are watching.  When you observe something, what you are observing changes.

I think of this as kind of naming the beast of whatever you are experiencing.  You name it.  Then just practice being with it — as the ocean is with it’s own waves.  It’s not upset that there’s a wave.  It’s just there.  It’s part of the ocean, but it’s not the whole ocean.  So it is with our own upsets.  So it is with the circumstances of our lives.

This is much much much easier to do if you have a formal meditation practice.  I know I tend to get on a soap box about this.  So I’ll not rant too long.  If you don’t meditate or engage in some centering practice.  Start.  You will be so happy you did.  I’ve got a couple of free recordings under free stuff to help you get started.  Soon, I’ll have more resources so stay tuned.

Then there’s all the times we just don’t want to do the work – there’s the play of aversion in having to work at being in our life with greater ease.  Again, EVERYONE on the planet has some thing in their life that they just don’t want to do.  We all get  tired of doing — there is aversion to one experience and attraction to another.  Be easy with yourself in these times.  Be a kind friend to yourself.

I don’t think that the attraction and aversion play is really the problem.  I think it’s our holding on to our attractions and aversions that create problems.  Just play with noticing the play of attraction and aversion in your life.  Notice how you are attracted to one experience and averse to another.  You needn’t try to change it.  It’s a natural part of human life.  And, these moments of being attracted to one experience and averse to another contribute to our feeling off — not quite centered.  Notice, and practice letting go.

If you’ve been reading for a while, you know I’m facilitating a women’s retreat very soon in France.  (Wanna come?  We have ONE opening!).  Anyway, last night, I was looking for airfare and noticed my shoulders beginning to hunch up, there was a tightness setting in around my mouth and eyes.  Then there were the barest of responses to my loving and patient husband.  My aversion to the high airfare was starting to get the best of me.

Can you see how it’s not only the big aversions that throw us off.  It’s the little aversions and attractions as well.

After a while, after spending a little too long in this play between my frustration because of being caught up in the attraction to easy low fare and the aversion to high fares, I took a deep breath and closed my lap top.  With practice,  maybe next time, I’ll just watch the attraction and aversion like waves in the ocean of my experience and book a flight.

Chris Sacca lays out 6 ways we can ALL help.

Haiti, you are in our hearts.

So here’s round 2 of my attempt answer that question from my perspective and I would love it if you would join the conversation and add your point of view.

I think I’d start the exploration of answering that question with another question (tricky, right?), “What have been the benefits of your participation in other loving, committed relationships?”

I think there are “shiny” little presents that come from participating in a committed loving relationship that don’t show up in other areas of life.  I’m not just talking about the Redbook response here…you know…companionship, someone sharing your jokes…I’m talking about the benefit of participating in a committed relationship has to your spiritual growth.

I think that that participating in a committed relationship implies love.  That loving relationship then forms a kind of crucible for transformation.  In that crucible, I think we have the potential of becoming more adept at knowing what to let go of and what to hold on to — perhaps an essential knowing in growing more into who we really are as we walk in this human life — balancing attachment and non-attachment.

Another benefit is learning to balance respect for self with respect for other — learning to recognize, over and over and over the Divine within me and the Divine before me.  This kind of real balancing act becomes more nuanced in committing to love someone totally.  It becomes more nuanced in the community of intimate love.  Then, the love itself, the relationship itself becomes the wisdom teacher.  This wisdom blossoms in the field of committed love — again, what do I hold on to and what do I let go of in order to cultivate the knowledge of the Truth?  Not an easy question to answer.  Harder still in the context of committed relationships.  If not for the commitment, I don’t have to ask the question.

In a committed relationship, there’s the challenge to not lose oneself in the process, not to betray oneself — to remain true to oneself.  In some ways, I think being in a committed relationship is a commitment to discover and live in Truth – THROUGH the learning that comes from being in committed relationship.  So the commitment is a commitment to Truth and to the Self.  The relationship is the mirror.

And, let me tell you, after 30 years with the same person, sometimes that mirror needs some significant polishing!  The polishing takes the form of owning my shadow self with all its gradations and engaging deep with those parts of me that I would rather disown, deny or project out on my beloved.  He’s not so keen to be the object of my projections.  Truth told, neither am I.

Some say that this kind of commitment is a high level sadhana, spiritual practice and walk.  I’m not so sure, because that implies a greater than and a less than.  I don’t really buy into that line of thinking when it comes to sadhana.  That said, being in relationship like this, with this kind of commitment sometimes feels like graduate school at finals time!

I also think that there are layers and textures of humility, strength, love and respect that I wouldn’t be able to totally grock if not in relationship – these divine qualities expressed in humanity revealed in committed love shine as light through a mult-faceted diamond – hard won.  Just as a diamond is formed and revealed only after being subjected to pressure, a LOT of pressure – a lump of coal under pressure.  Perhaps committed love is the same.

The rough and unseen, unacknowledged and unrecognized rough edges of the ego are gradually exposed and worn away – revealing the shiny love of the Soul.  Whereas the ego reveals itself in our reactions each other,  the Soul may reveal itself in our deep acceptance of each other.

Still with me?

As for this kind of deep true acceptance, there’s the opportunity to unravel some metaphors of LIFE.  If I’m feeling challenged to fully accept something about my beloved, what’s the something?  What’s the metaphor here, what am I trying to teach myself through metaphor?  What does it really mean to accept another beyond the concretized illusion in front of me?

Another area in this playground of committed love is the jungle gym of power – relinquishing power and asserting power – more of learning to discern what to hold onto and what to let go of – that dance between our masculine and feminine natures.

In this dance, on this playground, I think that committed love has the potential of moving us past the IDEA of love to LOVE.  To love the idea of LOVE without the practical experience of getting back to LOVE frees seems to imprison one in a kind of virtuous delusion, liberated from the daily, sometimes moment by moment  struggle to fully LOVE someone – warts and all AND letting them learn to love you.

So.  LOVE becomes a territory, often without a good map.  It’s full of surprises, challenges, raw untamed beauty and raw untamed pain.  Commitment increases your capacity to love beyond what you think possible.  This kind of commitment demands you stay AWAKE and intentional.  It demands that you increase your capacity to fully see from another’s perspective.  Ken Wilber said, “The more perspectives I can see – the more I can LOVE.”

Obviously, this is not the only territory for transcendence, just one of the playgrounds.

The goal of this kind of love is transcendence:  trance – end – dance.

All this said, it seems to me that the big questions to ask are “What is the benefit of committing to love this person?  Are we both committed enough to awakened love, to do the hard work, to live outside the gilded cage of the idea of love to explore the unmapped territory of LOVE?”

On a lighter note, make some popcorn and rent “THE PRINCESS BRIDE.”  This fable is chock-ful of metaphors, fun, and heroism in the territory of LOVE.

OH!  And, check out my New Year’s Message Tele-Retreat!

So, what do you think?  Join the conversation and add your two cents.

Here’s a little (less than 10 minute) relaxation recording I made for you, hope it helps you in your holiday decorating . . .

Relaxation Meditation

First, let’s hear from Webster.

1 : the self especially as contrasted with another self or the world
2 a : egotism 2 b : self-esteem 1
3 : the one of the three divisions of the psyche in psychoanalytic theory that serves as the organized conscious mediator between the person and reality especially by functioning both in the perception of and adaptation to reality — compare id, superego

— ego·less adjective

My turn.

I think the ego is that part of you and me that feels afraid, like somehow we are different and alone.

And it’s that feeling many of us get when we think we something prove or we have to prove something (are those two different things?)

Ego, sweet ego.

It’s all the ways we find to feel separate, like we aren’t the same as everyone else.

It’s that part of us that budgets our capacity to Love, to love what is unfolding before us and within us in each unfolding moment.

It’s moment that you and I fold and scootch away from acknowledging to ourselves or someone else some small, or medium-sized or some large perceived failure.  For such failure becomes a less than in our eyes, separating us from others and our own true brilliance.

It’s all the wondering, “what would they think if they really knew?”  Or more simply, “what do they think of me?

Dear, sweet ego.

It’s when we sit as judge and jury, condemning ourselves and others for various misdemeanors.

It’s that part of us that finds elaborately unique and creative ways of stepping out of the stream of pure Love a thousand or more times each and everyday.

It’s the giving in to the pull to withhold an experience or expression of the truth, pure love, understanding, joy.

It’s all that clinging and holding on to this or that hurt, perception, belief, want, idea, anger or any of the other myriad ways we hold on.  That. That’s ego.

Your turn.

Here’s a little secret, we are NOT our egos.

Oh.  And, how about a little less ego and a little more love this holiday?

Nonetheless, I’m practicing…a work in process.  Sometimes, people say how hard personal development is, for it seems to never end.  My response?  “What else are you going to do with your life?”  So these days, I’m attending to listening.

Along with a colleague, Michael Carter, I’ve been working with the leadership team in a local school to increase their collaborative leadership skills.  This team has committed to giving of their time and energy to devote to this program, “AWAKEN! Collaborative Leadership”  for the 2009 -2010 school year.  Ultimately, the time and attention of these committed teachers trickles down and touches hundreds of lives!  Yayyyyy Teachers!

Anyway, we’ve been exploring the leadership principles that make up the AWAKEN Program.  One of those principles is wrapped around a willingness to engage in authentic communication…so, here we are, back to listening.

Clearly deep and real listening, the kind of listening that most of us yearn for in our relationships, transcends the ego and comes straight through the heart.  This kind of listening is free of shoulds and demands.  This kind of listening waits patiently and asks questions that aim at helping to better fully understand what’s being said.

One participant in the AWAKEN! Program shared that she’s noticing that she has often makes up her mind about someone and what they are saying AND finds a solution before they’ve even finished talking.  She committed to the group that she will be practicing listening…deep authentic listening.

Her willingness to share herself so authentically with the group and their response to her inspired me and deepened my own understanding of listening.  Even though I spend a good deal of my day listening, I began to pay more attention to the quality of my listening.

Am I listening through the ears of my ego or the ears of my heart?

Are you?  How do you tell the difference?

Last weekend, I had a blast!  I got to spend the weekend in the gorgeous Smoky Mountains facilitating a women’s weekend retreat.  Nature, in Her glory, mirrored the multi-colored brilliance of these amazing women.  Together, we explored the theme of fully embracing the unique beauty and magnificence that is each of us while learning a powerful tool for releasing the pain of our past relationships.

In this confluence of letting go of the past while embracing one’s own magnificence I find a delicious taste of the freedom available to each of us.  This is the kind of freedom that allows one to live fully – - – TODAY.  I think that as long as I am holding on to old hurts and resentments, it is nigh to impossible (is that a real phrase???) to attune to the Presence in the present.

On the retreat, I set up a rope labyrinth in a field of moss.  With candles scattered about the labyrinth and the crisp mountain air shimmering in golden leaves, it felt magical.  As we approached the labyrinth, I shared with the group some thoughts about how they might walk the labyrinth.  Inviting them to align themselves with the intention of releasing the past and opening to the present, I encouraged them to maintain silence to support them in their walk.

The moment felt all together holy.  The silence was lush and the mountains felt still.  Suddenly, from the top of the hill, a young man called down to us. “DO Y’ALL WANT ME TO LEAVE A STARTER LOG FOR YOU BY THE FIRE?”  His young voice rang out through the silent holiness striking me as very funny.

Couldn’t he see we were having “a moment?”  And so what?  Moments come and go.  Life is more like a river than a pond.  So what good would it have done for us to cling to the previous moment of silence?  Such clinging would have only produced frustration and annoyance ~ separating us from ourselves, each other, and the young man.  What fun is that?

I hollered back, with a high thumbs up, “THAT’D BE GREAT!”

Later, we reflected on what the labyrinth taught us.  It was a beautiful experience of recognizing the brilliance of Leo Tolstoy’s 3 Questions in play:

What is the best time to do each thing?

Who are the most important people to work with?

What is the most important thing to do at all times?

In that moment, the best time to respond to the young man was in the moment.  The most important person to work with, the young man – in that moment.  The most important thing to do, respond to the young man – in that moment.  Are we seeing a theme here?

Later that night, we enjoyed a warm and inviting fire in the firepit.  Thanks for the starter log, Taylor!

From personal and professional relationships ravaged by incessant criticism and judgments (spoken and unspoken) to the ethnocentric propaganda that contributes to conflicts between countries, unspeakable pain and suffering arise.   The position that any one of us holds the ONLY view about what is right and wrong causes pain.  This pain is rooted in the limited perspective of the ego.

And here’s the rub.  So many of us identify solely with the ego, we tend to forget that we are all part of a bigger picture AND we are all so much more than our scrawny adorable egos.  And, that’s the basis of what’s important to me.  It’s why I do what I do … helping make the shift from identification with the ego to identification with our greater Self.

So here we are . . . shoulding, judging and criticizing ~ oh my.

What to do?  It’s really not that tough.  If only for a day at a time, what if we all just began noticing the rules we put on how others should be living life, or what we should be doing?  Just notice.  Then make the choice, are you willing to drop the should? Are you willing to consider your should a preference?

I’m starting to think that should is one of the vilest curse words ever, even worse than … well, you know.

One more time, here’s the game.  Just start noticing how you should on yourself and others.  Notice how characters on TV cause pain and drama by shoulding on themselves and others.  Then, start noticing the rules you are placing on how others ought to live their lives.  Do these rules enrich your life?  Do they make you feel happy?  Do they contribute to your feeling more peace?

No?

So what if you just dropped the should?  What if you recognized that your should is really a preference?

What if we all stopped waiting for others to change.  Please?  You and I can truly change the world, one little should at a time.

What if we began with changing the shoulds to preferences?  Just for a week.

Wanna play?  What kind of magic might happen in your relationships if you stopped shoulding, judging and criticizing?  Just for a week.