When I was old enough to realize that my family of origin was slightly more damaged than was functional I made a vow to myself. I swore that I would be the last person in our genetic line to deal with life the way my parents and the generations before them had. And I have spent the better part of the last 15 years (the vow came well before my ability to do anything about it) pursuing ways to heal.

At first, it was a lot of sit down and talk therapy. It was validating and for the longest time that may have been the only thing to which I could respond. But gradually, I got bored. This in itself was huge because I am one of those people who can spin a story in three seconds flat and I knew that to get bored with story meant that I was ready for the next level.

For the longest time, I thought that dealing with issues meant just that, dealing with the issue. Talking it over, thinking it out, wearing it (and myself) down like a stone in a current. I thought it took effort and pain and often reliving emotions. And while all of this can be cathartic, for me, it never really seemed to help me go beyond that issue. I would deal with my anger over something and then the next day or week I would be dealing with that same anger over that same issue.

So when Melanie told me that Spiritual Technology and PEAT work were nothing like that, I was skeptical and intrigued. Could I really be done with an issue in a session of this work and not be triggered by it again? As if I had packed it in a suitcase and left it by the side of my road?

My answer is yes. When I left her office after my first PEAT session, I noticed right away that colors seemed brighter and lines sharper. It seemed as though a film had been lifted away from my eyes. So I tested it.

The issue Melanie had been helping me integrate was one of letting go of an old relationship. It was an issue that still held a lot of my energy and I wanted to finally be done with it. So I thought of him. And I thought of him when we were happy and when we hated each other. And it was like watching a movie.
The good, the bad, and the in-between all simply were. I didn’t feel angry or bitter where I had before over certain memories; nor did I feel that sadness that came with feeling as though I had lost the good stuff.

It was not a process of years of talking and dealing. It was a thirty minute session where I closed my eyes and breathed. Melanie led me through a series of questions and answers until we reached the intention I had placed at the beginning: peace.

thanks to Ed Bolden for the photo

Twenty years ago this year, I moved from Salt Lake City, Utah to east Tennessee.  For me, it was a bit of a challenging move.  For all its conservativeness, the culture of Salt Lake was balanced by an open-minded contingency of people.  There were lots of yoga studios, drumming circles, alternative approaches to mental and spiritual well-being.  I fit in.

I had a thriving practice and active social life.  When I moved to east Tennessee (remember this was in the days before the internet) there was one yoga studio and I could not easily find like-minded people.  I was afraid of being professionally rejected.  Being rejected as a psychotherapist meant that I would not be able to practice.  Not being able to help people release emotional pain and fall in love with themselves and life would have broken my heart.

A part of me went into the closet a little bit.  I was not fully conscious of this then.  I just knew that my clinical training was not at all like most other practitioners and my way of viewing the world was quite different.  It was clear that I was “not from around here.”  That’s really not such a problem, not being from somewhere. My early and teen years were spent as an army brat.  So I was always “not from around” where ever I was.  What was a problem was my not knowing how fully stand in my skills and understanding about personal growth and spiritual evolution while simultaneously building a psychotherapy and later coaching practice in a community where meditation was perceived as evil.

So, I shut a part of me away in the closet.  I wasn’t even conscious of doing this.  Part of me was afraid, so I hid a bit.  Even now, writing this, it’s a little unnerving.  For, I am aware of feeling small hints of the lingering fear of rejection.  But the truth is I allow for a fuller expression of who I AM when I liberate myself from fear in all of its manifestations.  That’s true of all of us.  I’m no different.

Coming out of the closet professionally is one more step in dismantling fear.  Twenty years ago, rejection meant that I would not be able to build a psychotherapy practice.  So, I unconsciously chose to restrict myself out of fear. That’s ok. Now, I think that’s just how it unfolded and it was perfect.

The short story of all of this is that I am coming out of the closet, so watch for some changes on this site. A client recently pointed out to me that she couldn’t really see the fullness of what I do expressed on my website.  Though clients for whom I am a perfect fit have found their way to me and have trusted me with their hearts.  Yet, you wouldn’t fully be able to grasp the depth of what I offer if you just poked around on this site.  Time to change that.

For instance, though I mention retreats, I don’t think that there’s any way anyone could know the richness of spiritual transformation that happens on these retreats. So, I’m coming out of the closet and will be attempting to more clearly articulate what I offer.  Stay tuned.

In the meantime, are there ways that you are hiding?  What parts of you are you keeping in the closet out of fear?  I think about the small ways that some of us hide and am reminded of the tremendous hiding that some of our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters endure.  Their courage inspires me.  If you want to get inspired to come out of the closet a little, join me and let’s take a lesson from our courageous brothers and sisters.   Check out It Gets Better.

These last couple of weeks, I’ve been hearing a theme in my work with people – “How do I disagree with my partner in a respectful way?”  A young couple I’m seeing in my practice have been going around with this one for a while.  I certainly remember being in the first years of my relationship with husband, David (going on thirty years now).  We sure have bumped up against the challenge of respectfully disagreeing.

It’s not uncommon when we disagree with someone to feel disrespected or not heard.  We can all easily make the mistaken assumption that our loved one’s disagreeing, their having another point of view, means that they either don’t hear us — after all, if they really heard what we were saying, how on earth could they disagree!? — or that they are simply being disrespectful.

Disagreeing is neither.  Disagreeing simply means that the other person has a different perspective.  Sometimes, the only way David and I could find our way through an argument was to take a deep breath and say, “You know, you and I just aren’t the same.”  That can feel like a hard fall from the sweet space of falling in love.  Others say, “the honeymoon’s over.”  Yes, and . . .

Learning to disagree and equally important, learning to accept that our sweet one doesn’t see life the same way we do is essential to fully respecting each other.  Cultivating the hard won appreciation that our beloved sees the world through their own eyes and not ours ultimately grants a kind of serenity you might feel after practicing a balance pose over and over and finally standing on one foot with complete equipoise.

Here are few tips to help you hold your balance when you are thrown off by disagreements:

1.  Listen, really listen.  Make sure you really hear what the other person is saying.  Listen for the content and the feelings beneath the content.  What are they feeling?  What need are they trying to express?  Reflect back what you hear to make sure you fully understand.  As much as possible, reflect your understanding with kind words and a kind open expression.  Sometimes, if you are still feeling charged up because you are not being heard, this kind of listening might be very very difficult.  If that’s the case, practice self control and/or take some time and clear the charge you are feeling so  you can listen more carefully.

2.  Practice being courteous.  One of the qualities that gets lost in many relationships is simple courteousness.  Everyday, aim to treat “your people” with kind courtesy.  This might mean treating each other like guests in your home, it might mean doing tiny kindnesses for them.  In disagreements, this means sharing your point of view politely in a calm voice.  Again, if you are feeling too charged up, learning to clear the emotional energetic charge can really help you listen to your beloved and express your point of view with heartfelt respect.

3.  Ask if your disagreeing partner is ready and willing to hear your point of view.  Be ready to wait as they really and truly may not be in a place that they are ready to listen to you.  If they are ready and willing, share yourself.  Share your thoughts and the rationale behind what you think.  As best you can, share your needs and your feelings.  Don’t make them guess.  Remember, you do not need to abandon or sacrifice self respect to respect someone else.  Share from a position of truly sharing, not to try to convince or persuade, just to share.  Part of your sharing might include how hearing your partner has influenced your perspective.  Or perhaps has you listened, you could hear some truth in what your partner shared.  You might even have clarity about what need of yours is in play. What need is being met or not met by your perspective.

4.  Finally, remember that coming to agreement does not necessarily mean that you will 100% agree with each other and it doesn’t always mean compromising.  There are gradients of agreement.  And from my perspective, the value of learning to disagree with each other respectfully is coming back to the sweet spot of truly seeing and being seen by the one you love.  That’s the true aim of disagreeing respectfully.

I wonder how our world might look if we all learned to disagree respectfully and honored gradients of agreement.  What are your tips for disagreeing respectfully?

Anger generally has an outward directed energy.  Someone in your life does something that does not meet your expectations or standards and you get mad.  Or they don’t do something they said they would do and you get mad.  Or they fail you or someone you care about and you get mad.

Often this “mad” is also accompanied by a kind of righteous indignation.  It’s that righteous indignation that is so very seductive to the ego.  It wraps its gnarly little hands around your heart and puffs itself up in your mind.  Righteous indignation has its own energy and for some people can be quite compelling.

Take a look at the most recent time you felt mad about something.  Was there also a sense of righteous indignation?  Can you see how that feeling seems to justify your anger?  Can you see how puffed up righteous indignation is?

Alternatively, if you release yourself from the grip of righteous indignation, it might just be easier to more fully understand the anger you are feeling.  It will likely be easier to engage in a little self-inquiry and gain insight about the best course of action.  For often, anger calls for action.  Yet, when you jump into action without fully understanding the anger and it’s root source, you are likely to create more distance in your relationships and more stress in your heart.  In the same way, if you are still scrambled up with the full energetic charge of the anger you are likely to create more problems.

Therefore, a good strategy is to first release the energetic charge of the anger (there are a number of tools you can use for this), then engage in a little self-inquiry and finally decide on a course of action to take.  Because the root of most anger is some unmet need or want, your self inquiry might mean asking yourself a few questions like, “What did I expect that didn’t happen?  What do I need that I’m not getting?  How can I get my needs met without verbal violence?”  Most people get that it’s not cool to try to get your needs met with violence.  However, when you are caught up in your anger, you might think that their verbal violence is justified.  That’s one of the reasons it’s best to clear the energetic charge of the anger first.

What are your tricks for clearing the energetic charge of anger?  How do you release yourself from righteous indignation?

I recently had a conversation about vulnerability that has stayed with me.  On one hand, it’s clear that a willingness to be vulnerable, to share what’s true for you, deepens intimacy.  On the other hand, being vulnerable in the wrong circumstances or at the wrong time can leave you feeling exposed and even more vulnerable.  If you are willing to be vulnerable under the right circumstances, you might find yourself feeling closer to the person or people with whom you shared yourself.  This kind of sharing is bolstered by your willingness to be humble, discerning, courageous, honest and vulnerable.

Let’s take a brief look at each of these.  Humility in relationship means that you are willing to expose your less than perfect self.  You show some aspect of your real self rather than holding up some idea of who you think you should be or who you think others think you should be.  This kind of holding up gets exhausting and decreases intimacy.  Ultimately, holding up these kinds of ideas of yourself begins to feel vacuous.  In intimate relationships, it can erode trust.  Conversely, a willingness to be humble cultivates trust and intimacy.

Yet, to expose your warts and all in the wrong circumstances with the wrong people can leave you feeling even more vulnerable and exposed.  It’s better to discern how much to share and walk slowly, so you feel safe.  After all, you don’t dive into a lake without knowing how deep the water is and if there are hidden rocks.  In the same way, as you share a little bit and see how the person or group responds, you get a better sense of how trustworthy they are and how well your needs are met once you do share.  At the same time, it’s good to be clear on what kind of response you would like from others so you can make a clear request.  Discernment is key, for you might decide, out of fear, not to disclose or risk being vulnerable with a group or person who could really support you if you would let them see the real you.

Once you decide that you are willing to be vulnerable and share some truths about you, mine the courage hidden in the cave of your heart.  We all have felt scared.  We have all felt the fear of exposure and being found somehow less than ideal.  However, how sweet the connection is when people are real with each other. It takes courage to be real. 

It takes courage to show yourself, warts and all.   I read somewhere that courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.   If you wait until you are feeling fully at ease in all relationships all the time, you might wait a very long time to experience the sweet connections that are all around you.

Of course honesty is one of the cornerstones of meaningful and long-lasting relationships.  Yet, this one trips a lot of us up.  A small change in a story here or there doesn’t seem to make much difference.  However, WE know the difference and that difference can begin to feel like a chasm in relationship.  Honesty helps you settle into yourself more fully.  It helps you mine the courage it takes to be real.

And being real, showing up in your relationships with a willingness to show your less than perfect self requires a willingness to be vulnerable.  Vulnerability is often thought of as weakness, yet the strength of long-lasting meaningful relationships is fertilized by a willingness to be vulnerable — in the right circumstances, with the right people, again, we are back to discernment.  Truly, though, how can people really support you if you are not showing your real self?  How can others see the beauty that you are if you are not willing to show them the real you?

Over time, honesty, humility, courage, discernment and a willingness to be vulnerable help you show up for your life as YOU, rather than some idea of you.  When you show up as YOU, life can feel pretty rich.

I’m curious, what have you learned about the relationship between deepening intimacy and vulnerability.  Post a comment and share your wisdom.

One of my precious clients told me a heartbreaking story about being excluded from family gatherings during the holidays.  (Truth told, I think all of my clients are precious.  They trust me with their heart, their spirit, their dreams.  They invite me into the intricate intimacies of their lives, understanding and trusting that I can help them re-establish themselves in a steady state of peace regardless of the storms of life.  Here’s a little shout out to all my clients!)

Back to my client’s story.  Being excluded from family gatherings broke her heart and was truly not justified, this is NOT someone who is intrusive, demanding and, well, crazy-making.  She is generous of spirit and graciously kind.

Unpacking the pain of this experience took a little while.  First there was the hurt, then there was the anger, and then, another layer of hurt.  The anger was hiding for a while.  Many people who are committed to their spiritual journey sometimes avoid or deny the “A” word, anger.  Yet, anger has a lot of energy that can be used for your advantage and support your evolution.

That said, you can learn a lot from anger and make tremendous strides in your unfolding.  You just need to uncover the wisdom in the anger.  The first step is to do a little self-inquiry (if you don’t know how to do that, check out my series, Reclaim Your Life.) Find out what is at the root of the anger.

The primary sources of anger come from only three places:  you’ve been told a lie, your boundaries have been violated or you want or need something you are not getting.  Essentially, as the Bhagavad Gita says, “From desire, anger is born.”

Thus, the first step is to figure out, what is the unmet need or desire.  In relationships, most people desire both honesty and respect.  This desire in and of itself is not a problem, it’s the attachment to the fulfillment of that desire where people get in trouble.  In the same way, anger itself is not the problem, it’s what you do with the anger that’s the problem.

Discovering what is at the root of your anger can go a long ways towards revealing the wisdom in the anger.  For once you know the root of the anger, you can begin creating a plan to meet your needs and release the attachments connected to your desire.  And as we all know, releasing attachments is a good thing on the spiritual journey.

Your plan might include creating safe space for a courageous and calm conversation with the person involved.  It will likely include acceptance of you and them.  I often includes radical acceptance of the other person with full knowledge of their tendencies.  This means releasing them from any expectations, no matter how reasonable the expectation.  Finally, it might mean seriously limiting your contact with them.

Sounds so simple, yes?  Not so fast.  For many people before they can even begin the self-inquiry to find the source of the anger, they need to release the incredible energy that accompanies anger. Or they need to know how to create safe spaces for courageous and calm conversations.  Or they need to access their resources and find someone to help them heal and release the knots in their heart and their relationships

Those are posts for another day.  In the meantime, how do you release the energetic charge that accompanies anger?

This Saturday is National Yoga Day.  Do yourself a favor and practice a bit of yoga, either in a class or in your living room.  Then, do your relationships a favor and indulge in taking yoga off the mat and into your relationships.

We know that yoga is about releasing tensions, building strength, and increasing flexibility.  But let’s all take in a deep breath together and remember that yoga is ultimately about union, union with God, Spirit, the Great Mystery.  The physical yoga practices definitely help yoga students release these tensions.  Yet yoga can become even more powerful when you take it off the mat and into your relationships.

Consider for a moment that if what most sacred texts from the Bible to the Bhagavad Gita say is true, that the kingdom of God is within, that God dwells within you as you, well, then take a look in the mirror.  Look at the person sitting across from you.  Can you see God peeking out?

For most of us, we have to practice a little before we can truly say that we can see the Great Mystery of Divinity peeking out at us through our own eyes or the eyes of another.  Loving kindness is one way to practice yoga off the mat.  It helps release the tension felt in relationship.  You can use this practice in your relationship with yourself, with others and even with your own body.

As our lives take place in the context of relationships, relationships can be like a yoga mat that is slung over your shoulders in every moment of life.  It’s so ever-present, you might not even be aware of the impact of your relationships on your overall sense of well-being. Relationships just might be one of the most perfect practice spaces for yoga.

In relationships, your attitude contributes to the level of tension you may feel.  With the practice of loving kindness, you cultivate an attitude of friendliness that can help you become more accepting and more compassionate towards yourself and others.  As you consciously practice a friendly attitude towards yourself and others, the tension within that relationship can gradually release.  As the tension releases, you begin to experience more union.

A feeling of easy calm, lightheartedness, and friendly attitude can be a kind of reference point, an indicator of the level of the amount of tension held in a relationship.  If there is tension, try a little loving kindness practice.

Essentially, loving kindness is the ongoing heart-felt practice of wishing others well.  Just like in the physical yogas, it is something that you practice.  The more you practice, the more adept you become.  The practice looks quite simple, much like the mountain pose in yoga.  In mountain, it looks like you are just standing there.  Yet the pose is very grounding.

In the same way, loving kindness practice may look like not much is going on, yet there is an internal stretching and quiet release of tension.  Much like a side stretch gently releases tension in the side body, loving kindness releases tension in the heart.

Huxley is releasing his tension with his version of Shivasana!

You can practice loving kindness every day by sitting quietly and restfully.  Then bring to mind people you care about and wish them well, wish them freedom from suffering.  ”May they be happy.  May they be free from suffering.”  Then bring to mind strangers, folks you might see at the grocer. Wish them well, freedom from suffering.  Then go through the same process with people who are challenging for you.  Don’t forget to wish yourself well, wish yourself freedom from suffering.  (If this interests you, send me an email and I’ll send you a link to a free recording to help you practice.)

If you find that the tension in your relationship with yourself or others is not responding to your loving kindness practice, it’s not fully releasing on its own, that’s where the support of a skilled therapist or coach can help.  Your part is to show up and receive the support that’s available.  Just as you wouldn’t try to do some of the harder yoga poses without the support of a skilled teacher, there are aspects of relationship tension that call for skilled support so that you can restore sweet union.

This morning, my daughter shared a video with me.  And I want to share it with you.  So, instead of posting something for you to read, take a few minutes and watch this video.  This is why I do what I do.

So, how’s your state?  What are you empathically sharing with others?  If your state is not quite where you want it to be, how do you shift your state?

Our lives take place in the context of relationships.  We have relationships with ourselves, with others, with life, with nature, with our work..the list goes on and on.  Relationships can be like a yoga mat that is slung over your shoulders in every moment of life.  It’s so ever-present, you might not even be aware of the presence and impact of your relationships on your overall state.

http://www.nowandzenlodi.com/

I think that relationships are one of the most perfect practice spaces for yoga.  Ultimately, yoga is about releasing the deep tensions held in the body and experiencing union.  The tensions we feel in relationship inhibit that feeling of union, yet the tension itself is easy to release.

The first step seems to be to access awareness of any tensions you are experiencing.  Then, instead of looking outside of yourself for a fix, look inside.  Poke around inside yourself a bit and see if you can find the beliefs, old hurts or future worries that are adding to  your tension.

Then access any number of tools and resources to the release the tension.  A simple one you can begin with a 3 minute breathing space.  Begin by just noticing what you are thinking and feeling, like someone watching a movie.  Just notice, without judging or getting engaged.  Then bring your attention to your breath and take a few easy breaths, noticing the movement of the breath in the body, observing the breath.  After a minute or so with this, allow your attention to expand to include your breath, feelings and thoughts.

In just a few minutes you can release a bit of the tension that might have you in it’s grips.  The three-minute breathing space can be like one pose in yoga, like tadasana, mountain pose.  Your practice strengthens and grounds you.  Opening the way for you to enter the next moment of your life with greater ease.  In this way, you begin to learn and practice the yoga of relationship.  The idea is to use your relationships as a practice mat to release tension and move closer to a feeling of union.

If you find that you don’t really know where the tension is coming from or how to fully release it on your own, that’s where the support of a skilled therapist or coach can help.  Your part is then to show up and receive the support that’s available.  Just as you wouldn’t try to do some of the harder yoga poses without the support of a skilled teacher, there are aspects of relationship tension that call for skilled support.

I’ve been re-reading a translation of the Shiva Sutras, an text from the tradition of Kashmir Shaivism.  One of the sutras reads, “Nothing exists that is not Shiva.”  Shiva, of course, is another name for all-pervasive consciousness, God, the Great Mystery, Allah, Shiva, The God of 10,000 Names.  This teaching is echoed in Psalm 139 in the Holy Bible, “Whither shall I go from thy spirit? Or whither shall I flee from thy presence?  If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: If I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.”

This God of 10,000 Names seems to have left clues about how to live a life filled with wonder, experiencing the Great Mystery in all that is.  So instead of wasting time dismissing the beliefs and ideas that don’t match our own, what if we all found some common threads and wove those threads into a coat of many colors, a coat that warms our heart and opens us to a greater sense of the wonder of the Divine, right now?  For, isn’t right now all we really have?

One of the easiest ways I’ve found to bring myself back to now is to use my senses.  I’ve found that you can use the details provided your senses to enhance your awareness of God in the present moment.  Simply remind yourself, this thing I see, this scent, this sensation,  this sound, this taste, this, too, is God.  This, too, is God.  This, too, is God.  Our senses can take us to the experience of God or away from the experience of God.  Honoring each thing we touch, each thing we taste, each thing we hear, each thing we smell can bring us ever closer to experiencing the all pervasive consciousness of the Divine.

With this kind of honoring and respect, imagine what kind of colorful coat might we weave together!