Goal setting is huge in our culture. We are a future and accomplishment oriented society and many of us live only to see the next day’s task completed. But what happens when something gets in the way?

How do you react when an obstacle is placed in your path to your goal? Do you throw up your hands? Wait? Study? Laugh? Give up completely?

Many of us want to give up because we have misread what an obstacle actually is. Maybe we believe it is trying to tell us that the goal is not worthwhile or that we are fundamentally lacking what we need to achieve our goals. But what if obstacles are merely unopened doors to stimulate rather than intimidate us?

Any goal, so long as it is a goal that is meaningful to you, is a worthwhile goal. Further, none of us lack anything we need to carry out our work. Let’s run past this one more time, none of us lack anything to carry our our work. What if we remembered that, especially when encountering some obstacles.

 These ideas may take getting used to. It is inevitable that when we set a goal some resistance is going to show up. That is part of the play of Consciousness. We have our ideas and our timelines for how our lives should go. Rarely do things go as planned.

The trick is to have a goal so valuable to you that you are willing to take another look at the obstacles thrown at you and use them as learning opportunities instead of some kind of cosmic message to leave the field. We could reframe obstacles, not as yes or no answers to questions we’ve posed, but as questions posed to us: What is your next best step now? What would help you here? Where can you go for support? Where can you look more deeply to discover what is most valuable about this experience?

Obstacles are purely opportunities to probe deeper into our own consciousness. Do we need to let go of some piece or our goal? Has another part become more important? What do I need to learn about myself? What qualities within myself do I need to cultivate in order to truly be fulfilled here?

We have all the tools we need but, like muscles, some of our qualities may need some strengthening before we are able to continue. We can break down our big dream into smaller chunks of a goal so that, instead of becoming overwhelmed by the vastness of it all, we can take the next best step. And the one after that, and the next one after that.

For me, in my own personal goal setting, I like to stay inspired and flexible. Find stories that inspire you to keep going. Though, know that sometimes the goal could change completely in a split second. For instance, instead of winning the race, the goal might, in an instant, transform into finishing the race. Because, sometimes, “giving up” becomes the goal. And there’s the real trick knowing when to give up and when to persist.

The desire to know and recognize God, Truth, to experience that sweet space of Oneness is thought by some philosophers to be the root of all desire, the one desire.  It may be that the desire disguises itself, showing up as a wish for a new car, or a particular job.  Perhaps it shows up as some wanting for a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a relationship.  However it comes to us, there is desire. 

We, in our ignorance, sometimes think that desire itself will cease when we obtain the object of our wanting.  Yet, the moment we fulfill one desire, the moment we obtain the object of our wanting, there is another desire.  Often, even before we obtain the object of our wanting, there is still another desire.  Desire itself never goes away.  Whatever mundane satisfaction we experience in the fulfillment of one desire fades in a short while only to be replaced with a new desire.

In fact, Patanjali, in his yoga sutras, offers guidance as to how one transcends the desires of the ego and return to the purist desire of the soul, to know God.  He suggests that we be relentless in our determination to know and recognize God.  He advises spiritual aspirants to gain gradual control over the negative tendencies of the mind through vigilant self-inquiry.  He wrote that we should ask ourselves, “Why do I really desire that object?  What permanent advantage should I gain by possessing it?  In what way would its possession help greater freedom and knowledge?”  Even without going full boar into contemplating these questions, it’s easy to see how ephemeral our mundane desires are.

In all our restless wanting, we get lost and end up collecting all kinds of stuff that can clutter our lives even more .  Or, we feel that the goal of our wanting is beyond our reach.  This is especially evident in those who reach for the high goal of knowing Truth.  Clearly, as we work towards the achievement of a particular goal, we have all experienced the alluring pull to simply give up and quit.  How many students quit before they obtain their goal and graduate?  Either they fall prey to the mistaken belief that they will never reach their goal due to their own ignorance, the demands of family, or the whining and screaming of their own ego leads them down a different road.  How many times have you found yourself confronted by a particular job or goal that stretched beyond what you thought you were capable of, only to find that in your tenacious perseverance, you succeeded?

Twenty years ago this year, I moved from Salt Lake City, Utah to east Tennessee.  For me, it was a bit of a challenging move.  For all its conservativeness, the culture of Salt Lake was balanced by an open-minded contingency of people.  There were lots of yoga studios, drumming circles, alternative approaches to mental and spiritual well-being.  I fit in.

I had a thriving practice and active social life.  When I moved to east Tennessee (remember this was in the days before the internet) there was one yoga studio and I could not easily find like-minded people.  I was afraid of being professionally rejected.  Being rejected as a psychotherapist meant that I would not be able to practice.  Not being able to help people release emotional pain and fall in love with themselves and life would have broken my heart.

A part of me went into the closet a little bit.  I was not fully conscious of this then.  I just knew that my clinical training was not at all like most other practitioners and my way of viewing the world was quite different.  It was clear that I was “not from around here.”  That’s really not such a problem, not being from somewhere. My early and teen years were spent as an army brat.  So I was always “not from around” where ever I was.  What was a problem was my not knowing how fully stand in my skills and understanding about personal growth and spiritual evolution while simultaneously building a psychotherapy and later coaching practice in a community where meditation was perceived as evil.

So, I shut a part of me away in the closet.  I wasn’t even conscious of doing this.  Part of me was afraid, so I hid a bit.  Even now, writing this, it’s a little unnerving.  For, I am aware of feeling small hints of the lingering fear of rejection.  But the truth is I allow for a fuller expression of who I AM when I liberate myself from fear in all of its manifestations.  That’s true of all of us.  I’m no different.

Coming out of the closet professionally is one more step in dismantling fear.  Twenty years ago, rejection meant that I would not be able to build a psychotherapy practice.  So, I unconsciously chose to restrict myself out of fear. That’s ok. Now, I think that’s just how it unfolded and it was perfect.

The short story of all of this is that I am coming out of the closet, so watch for some changes on this site. A client recently pointed out to me that she couldn’t really see the fullness of what I do expressed on my website.  Though clients for whom I am a perfect fit have found their way to me and have trusted me with their hearts.  Yet, you wouldn’t fully be able to grasp the depth of what I offer if you just poked around on this site.  Time to change that.

For instance, though I mention retreats, I don’t think that there’s any way anyone could know the richness of spiritual transformation that happens on these retreats. So, I’m coming out of the closet and will be attempting to more clearly articulate what I offer.  Stay tuned.

In the meantime, are there ways that you are hiding?  What parts of you are you keeping in the closet out of fear?  I think about the small ways that some of us hide and am reminded of the tremendous hiding that some of our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters endure.  Their courage inspires me.  If you want to get inspired to come out of the closet a little, join me and let’s take a lesson from our courageous brothers and sisters.   Check out It Gets Better.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how much trouble we get into with our own hearts as we get all wrapped up with ideas about how our life should be rather than how it really is and who we should be rather than being who we really are.  Hanging on tight to all this fear seems to create a kind of holo-self rather than REAL self.  Much like the velveteen rabbit, perhaps by the time I’ve become fully REAL, my body will be well-worn, with a really lived in look – a look that conveys how deeply I want to really live as the fullest expression of who I am.  I don’t know if we can really do that without getting a little bumped and bruised in the process.

Part of what this means to me is learning to be with the truth of our experience, pains and all.  It also means releasing the pretending — pretending to be something or someone other than who we truly are.  It’s like how we get more attached to the experience of perception rather than the reality of our connection.  In committing to getting free of pretending, I think it is ultimately about getting free of fear.  Imagine, just for a tiny moment, what if you weren’t afraid or if you stopped pretending?

I think that this is at the heart of Self Acceptance Training, over and and again being really REAL – free from the fears of criticism, evaluation and judgment.  If you’ve been reading for a while, you understand that Self Acceptance is not a steady state — well, not until full SELF realization.  It’s something that we are in training for in this human life.  Over and again, we practice fully inhabiting ourselves as we really are without the inhibition of self judgment, self criticism or self evaluation.

More recently, I’ve been playing with extending this to noticing and releasing my fears about how others perceive me along with my fears of the judgment, criticism and evaluation of others.  It’s likely that folks will continue with these very human tendencies and I will undoubtedly be the recipient of their judgments, evaluations and criticisms.  But this does not have to influence my state or my choices any more than the various waves really influence the ocean.

Who would you be if you stopped pretending to be someone who is influenced by the very human tendency to judge, evaluate and criticism?

P.S.  I’ll be leading a day of Self Acceptance Training here in Maryville, TN  on May 7, 2011.  If you are interested, give me a call (865-384-4104) and lets chat about whether this will serve you on your journey.

P.S.  Check out my new favorite song:

“Absolutely worth the time and effort!”  If you are wondering what I’m talking about, you are not one of the many people who have been asking me, “So, how was the retreat in France?”

In a nutshell, it was fantastic!  The food, the setting, the companionship, the wisdom and reflection —  all of it was just fantastic!  I loved watching the women on the retreat blossom in the warmth of a small group of incredible women in an incredible setting.  And, the sunflowers WERE in bloom!  Just glorious.

Sunflowers in Monclar de Quercy

Each morning, we began the day in a stained glass windowed room with meditation followed by stretching… or vice versa.  The day unfolded from there with a variety of activities from one-to-one sessions with me, massage, facials, walks, excursions to simply exquisite places, delicious food, retreat sessions and great good company.

One participant shared that “this trip was, by far, the best trip I’ve ever taken!”

I think that something magical and alchemical happens when you bring together a group of women in a setting away from the familiar.  There were new insights and breakthroughs everyday.

One breakthrough for me was realizing that I absolutely love doing retreats like this in other countries and in our own magnificent country.  By the time it was all over, the participants were saying, “Where are we going next year?  Bali?  The Amalfi Coast of Italy?

There are several amazing places for retreat.  And, I’m am more and more clear about the difference between a retreat and a vacation.  One big difference is a schedule.  On my retreats, we take the support of a flexible schedule.  One primary benefit of having a flexible schedule is that the benefits of the retreat stay long after the retreat is over.  That’s not always the case with a vacation.  Another benefit of a flexible schedule is that you are able to experience and integrate new places, new people and new, more authentic ways of being.

If you’ve not planned a retreat for yourself yet this year, plan one!  Take a look at my book, an illumined life, if you need some support.

If you are a woman and would like to join me on retreat, take part in this survey and help me choose the time and location of our next retreat!  Take the survey now.

Reflecting in Carcassonne

We can all help.

Chris Sacca lays out 6 ways we can ALL help.

Haiti, you are in our hearts.

OK.  I’ll give it a go.

First, let’s hear from Webster.

1 : the self especially as contrasted with another self or the world
2 a : egotism 2 b : self-esteem 1
3 : the one of the three divisions of the psyche in psychoanalytic theory that serves as the organized conscious mediator between the person and reality especially by functioning both in the perception of and adaptation to reality — compare id, superego

— ego·less adjective

My turn.

I think the ego is that part of you and me that feels afraid, like somehow we are different and alone.

And it’s that feeling many of us get when we think we something prove or we have to prove something (are those two different things?)

Ego, sweet ego.

It’s all the ways we find to feel separate, like we aren’t the same as everyone else.

It’s that part of us that budgets our capacity to Love, to love what is unfolding before us and within us in each unfolding moment.

It’s moment that you and I fold and scootch away from acknowledging to ourselves or someone else some small, or medium-sized or some large perceived failure.  For such failure becomes a less than in our eyes, separating us from others and our own true brilliance.

It’s all the wondering, “what would they think if they really knew?”  Or more simply, “what do they think of me?

Dear, sweet ego.

It’s when we sit as judge and jury, condemning ourselves and others for various misdemeanors.

It’s that part of us that finds elaborately unique and creative ways of stepping out of the stream of pure Love a thousand or more times each and everyday.

It’s the giving in to the pull to withhold an experience or expression of the truth, pure love, understanding, joy.

It’s all that clinging and holding on to this or that hurt, perception, belief, want, idea, anger or any of the other myriad ways we hold on.  That. That’s ego.

Your turn.

Here’s a little secret, we are NOT our egos.

Oh.  And, how about a little less ego and a little more love this holiday?

It’s probably a little sacrilegious that I put myself (and you too) in the same realm as saints & sages.  Oh well.  Along with saints and sages, I think that we, too, can know and live in the Truth of the joyous declaration from the Koran, “God is the East and the West, and wherever ye turn, there is God’s face.”  Such a declaration demands that we expand our ideas of who or what God is.

In challenging my limiting beliefs about God, I find a Magnificence that cannot be captured in words…at least my words.  I understand the Truth of the Tao Te Ching teaching, “The Tao that can be spoken is not the true Tao.”  Yet, still I wander through this garden of words to play hide and seek with God.

In one moment, the devotional seeker in me listens for and attempts to follow the quiet impulses of  my heart that encourage me to see  the face of the Lord, where ever I turn, in what ever circumstance I find myself.  I seek and sometimes find the true contentment of the Presence of God in myself, in the person I’m with or even the clickety clacking of my fingers on the keyboard.  With or without devotion, it’s THAT that I seek, THAT single Consciousness that playfully hides in some infinite number of creative manifestations.

In this Game, I find the humble wisdom of Brother Lawrence to be a signpost guiding my Way.

In the early sixteen hundreds, a humble footman gazed at a simple tree, its outline stark against the winter sky.  The tree stood barren of leaves with only the promise of its summer bounty hidden within.  As Nicholas Herman of Lorraine lost himself in the contemplation of this simple tree, he found himself overcome and forever changed by Grace.  He was given a “high view of the providence and power of God.”

The sight of a dry, barren tree and the vision of its full beauty bursting forth in Spring was the catalyst of his conversion.  At the age of eighteen, he began his walk to God, throughout the rest of his life seeking only the Presence of God.  Soon following this vision, Nicholas Herman became a Carmelite monk and took the name Brother Lawrence.

Brother Lawrence was not a prolific writer, nor was he a scholar.  His was a simple Way.  His gift to us was his compassionate and concise wisdom collected in a slender book entitled, “The Practice of the Presence of God.”

Throughout the centuries his simple Way has attracted and consoled seekers from many traditions who aspire to know God.  Even today he continues to be an inspiring model for living in the awareness of the Presence of God.  He wrote, “I renounced for the love of Him everything that was not He, and I began to live as if there was none but He and I in the world.”

How completely simple, yet how completely profound was his unassuming wisdom.  Such is the way that he approached his life, from his humble work of fifty years in the monastery kitchen to his relationships with his contemporaries.  He walked through his days making room for the Presence of God in each unfolding moment.

He performed all the ordinary tasks of his daily life in the continual remembrance of the Presence of God, always “pleasing myself by doing things to please God.”  As he cooked, he cooked with an awareness that he was cooking for the Lord.  As he washed dishes, he washed dishes with the awareness that he was washing dishes for God.  As he ate, he ate with the awareness that it was God that he was feeding.

Although he lived a seemingly uncomplicated life in a remote monastery, he wrote with clarity and honesty of his sufferings and failings.  With his own body being “lame” and the difficulties accompanying such a handicap, not to mention the trials of daily life, he encouraged aspirants to persevere in the discipline of seeking out the Presence of God.

He wrote, “Think often on God, by day, by night, in your business, and even in your diversions.  Lift up your heart to Him, sometimes even at your meals, and when you are in company . . . It is not necessary for being with God to be always at church.  We may make an oratory of our heart.”

What an inspired understanding, in continually making room for the Presence of God in the present moment, I can make a temple, a house of worship, in my own heart!   The power of such simple practices; continually making room for the Presence of God in all things, all activities, all people, all circumstances, and doing all things for the love of God filled Brother Lawrence with perfect faith and unwavering devotion to God.

Free from the distractions of the world that might lead him astray in his love of the Presence of God, he revealed a clear and simple path through the maze of daily life.  Although I live the life of a householder, rather than a monk, I can still learn from his sublime example and perhaps gradually free myself from the distractions that lead me away from recognizing and welcoming the all-pervasive Presence in ordinary circumstances.

In welcoming this Presence in each moment, in making room for this Presence in each moment, I experience a stream of Love flowing steadily from my heart.  It is that same Love that is the Presence.  What a mysterious paradox is this play!  Looking into the lives of great beings such as Brother Lawrence, I stumble across practices and wisdom that lead me to the experience of the all-pervasive Presence of God.

This time of year, when children (young and old) are heading back to school, I’m inspired to take a fresh look, to look anew at Life.  Particularly, I think that there’s value to be had in re-considering old ways of thinking that may have once served but no longer do so.

Sometimes this can be quite a challenge because in many ways, it’s much easier to simply continue along through life.  Yet, in taking the time to re-visit myself, access AWARENESS about where I am, who I am, what’s important to me today, . . . Not yesterday . . . Not tomorrow . . . Today, I rediscover myself.  And, in that rediscovery, I rediscover a sweet appreciation for myself.

Here’s what I know today . . .

I value quiet alone time with myself.

My family makes my life a paradise.

I value my friendships.

Granola is good, especially my super excellent homemade granola.

It’s possible to create peaceable communities.

Taking responsibility for myself is the only self I can take responsibility for.

I like simple phones, though I may someday cave and get an iphone.

I delight in the companionship of my mutt, Huxley.

I still enjoy swimming.

I intend to share my gifts with others in ways that make a big impact.  And, though I don’t really know what that means, it’s still true.

I sometimes stick my nose in where it doesn’t belong.

Forgiveness brings me back to NOW.

I have access to unlimited resources, though I sometimes forget the TRUTH of that.

I have faith that everything is all right.

So, what do you know to be true for you . . .?

My VA extraordinaire, Terri, suggested that I make a mini-video telling you about my class.  I’ve not made little videos before, but I did it!  Is there something you’ve not done before that you or someone else thought might be beneficial for you to do?

What are you waiting for?  As you can see, this little video’s not perfect, so what?  Join me and try something new!

Better yet, watch the video, share it with friends and sign up for my free tele-class!