Goal setting is huge in our culture. We are a future and accomplishment oriented society and many of us live only to see the next day’s task completed. But what happens when something gets in the way?

How do you react when an obstacle is placed in your path to your goal? Do you throw up your hands? Wait? Study? Laugh? Give up completely?

Many of us want to give up because we have misread what an obstacle actually is. Maybe we believe it is trying to tell us that the goal is not worthwhile or that we are fundamentally lacking what we need to achieve our goals. But what if obstacles are merely unopened doors to stimulate rather than intimidate us?

Any goal, so long as it is a goal that is meaningful to you, is a worthwhile goal. Further, none of us lack anything we need to carry out our work. Let’s run past this one more time, none of us lack anything to carry our our work. What if we remembered that, especially when encountering some obstacles.

 These ideas may take getting used to. It is inevitable that when we set a goal some resistance is going to show up. That is part of the play of Consciousness. We have our ideas and our timelines for how our lives should go. Rarely do things go as planned.

The trick is to have a goal so valuable to you that you are willing to take another look at the obstacles thrown at you and use them as learning opportunities instead of some kind of cosmic message to leave the field. We could reframe obstacles, not as yes or no answers to questions we’ve posed, but as questions posed to us: What is your next best step now? What would help you here? Where can you go for support? Where can you look more deeply to discover what is most valuable about this experience?

Obstacles are purely opportunities to probe deeper into our own consciousness. Do we need to let go of some piece or our goal? Has another part become more important? What do I need to learn about myself? What qualities within myself do I need to cultivate in order to truly be fulfilled here?

We have all the tools we need but, like muscles, some of our qualities may need some strengthening before we are able to continue. We can break down our big dream into smaller chunks of a goal so that, instead of becoming overwhelmed by the vastness of it all, we can take the next best step. And the one after that, and the next one after that.

For me, in my own personal goal setting, I like to stay inspired and flexible. Find stories that inspire you to keep going. Though, know that sometimes the goal could change completely in a split second. For instance, instead of winning the race, the goal might, in an instant, transform into finishing the race. Because, sometimes, “giving up” becomes the goal. And there’s the real trick knowing when to give up and when to persist.

We human beings are dynamic creatures and our relationships are vibrant expressions of that dynamism. But problems can often arise, especially in long term relationships, when we fall into the habit of thinking we know – thinking we know what our partner thinks, will say, or will do in a given situation. We turn our mates and even ourselves into static, one-dimensional images instead of allowing the full range of our potential to be expressed in each moment.
It’s easy, in our current culture especially, to fall into this trap of substituting the part we think we know for the whole that is there. We are constantly inundated with information we often don’t need and barely have time to process. It can be comforting to feel we have one person we really know, even if that person is ourself.
However, we can also suffocate under that “knowing.” We can feel imprisoned by our own assessment of our personality and potential and we can make anyone with whom we are in relationship feel trapped by what they are “supposed” to be. Have you ever surprised yourself or someone else and heard the words “you don’t do that”?
Staying curious about the people in your life – yourself, your partner, your parents, your children and your friends – allows them to express every aspect of who and what they are as they change and grow. It gives them (and you!) the freedom to explore themselves and explore their relationship to you.
In general most of us want to keep an active curiosity. We’ve heard it’s good for our brains to learn something new every once in a while. But it can be a little frightening to dismantle the images and ideas we have of one another and it can produce anxiety in some people to have those images dismantled.
The best ways that I have found to keep a long term relationship alive and thriving is to wed active curiosity about myself and the other person with an active awareness – compassionate awareness that takes practices the wisdom from Vasistha’s Yoga in my conversations. This means remembering the Four Gatekeepers of Speech and asking myself before I speak: is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? And is this the right moment to say it?
But what happens when only one partner becomes interested in something? How do you respond? It can feel distancing to be “left out” of a piece of your partner’s life. My choice is to become interested because they are. This means paying attention and asking questions, staying curious rather than assuming that I know.
How do you stay curious in your relationships? How do you respond when it feels a partner or friend could be moving beyond what you share together? How do you keep your relationship to yourself open and dynamic?

The New Year brings with it expectations of resolutions; often in the form of breaking old habits and forming new ones. Most of us want to live better lives, whatever that may mean. For me, a couple of things come to mind.  One is my commitment to write again after a hiatus of a couple of months.  Part of this hiatus has been driven by my enthusiasm for a new project I’ve been on which I’ve been working.

If you’ve been reading a while, you might remember that I’ve been studying and practicing Spiritual Technology, the work of Zivorad Slavinski.  As one of a handful of ST trainers in the US, I have spent the last few months working on a plan to share the power of this work with more people. 

Specifically, I’ve been working on a program to train yoga teachers to be Off the Mat Yoga Coaches using Spiritual Technology.  This is very exciting for me as the more I work with his techniques and processes, the more impressed I am – the more convinced I am in their ability to help people free themselves from the entanglements of the ego and live from the Essence of who they are.

The crux of all of my work, whether it be with a client or within myself, is to find and use ways that help us all learn to live more closely aligned with our deepest Essence of being. I want to live as closely attuned to that source of Oneness as I can.  For me, it boils down to using ST as a spiritual practice alongside my longtime companions of yoga and meditation to help me align myself with my Essence.

Sometimes people busy themselves with distractions out of some kind of fear that if they truly listened to their deepest Essence, they would hear things that are too much or too hard. The grain of truth here is that sometimes letting yourself see and feel what’s really true for you can feel painful — yet on the other side of that pain is a sweet peace, calm or joy — it can’t be otherwise in a world of duality.

I believe that whatever challenges you and I face, those challenges are not bigger than us.  I believe that within each of us is strength and courage to face and transcend our limiting beliefs that shroud our very Essence. And if we can live more often and more fully from a place of peace and plenty in our own hearts then we can change the world.  Seriously, together, we can make this world an even better paradise.

Slavinski’s PEAT processes have proven to be an efficacious way of accessing that strength and courage.  Moreover, these techniques help us disengage the ego, detach from the reactivity that comes with identifying with the ego, and reattach ourselves to our own core being, the Essence of who we are. I have noticed profound changes in my ability to stay on an even keel. I’ve become less reactive to the ups and downs of life and have witnessed my clients becoming less and less bothered both personally and professionally by things that, in the past, would have caused no small amount of emotional upheaval.

I’m really thrilled to be sharing this work with others and will soon be offering my second and final “beta” training for yoga teachers.  Stay tuned for more info!  In the meantime, how can you live more closely to your Essence?

*PEAT – Prime Energy Activation and Transcendence

Your state of being is at the heart of how you experience yourself in life.  It informs your perspective and your choices.  It is your responsibility to protect and restore your state.  Yet, when your state is jangled by the challenges of life, you get thrown into a variety of very human reactions — anger, sad, frustrated, scared or even wild, over the moon joy.  These reactions can be like a filter for a camera lens that distorts the perspective a bit.  You cannot get a clear read on a situation through a distorted lens.  These distortions color your view and disrupt your state.

Real and lasting peace can be attained through the cultivation of a steady state.  Sound boring?  It’s not.  When you attune yourself to your state of being and find that place of balance inside, you will find a precious sweetness to living in a steady state.

However, most people experience a variety of reactions throughout daily life.  Someone cuts you off in traffic, your spouse fusses at you about this or that, you failed when you hoped to succeed.  We all have reactions, it is just a part of life.  Nonetheless, these reactions can be a gold mine, they can point you in the direction of real spiritual growth.  When you dive into these reactions and uncover and neutralize the polarities at the heart of the reaction, you essentially and gradually begin shifting identification away from your ego to the essence of your Self.  The most efficient way I know how to do this is through PEAT Processes from Spiritual Technology.  I have found these processes to be so profoundly valuable, I am now one of the handful of Spiritual Technology Trainers in the US.

PEAT stands for Prime Energy Activation and Transcendence.  PEAT processes aid in spiritual development and were developed by Zivorad Slavinski, a psychologist from Belgrade, Serbia.  PEAT helps you to accept and transcend the energetic tug that is at the heart of most reactions.  Moreover, as you move deeper and deeper into your personal and spiritual development work in this way, it begins to feel as though you are dismantling the scaffolding of the ego.  Some trick, eh?

Even without the support of PEAT Processes, you can begin discharging the energy associated with a reaction by practicing simply accepting your reaction. Yet, many people complicate their experience by resisting the reaction.  You might get defensive as your reaction doesn’t really match the ideal image you carry about yourself.  Or you might resist the reaction because don’t like the way it feels.

There’s an aphorism that underlies both Spiritual Technology and Self Acceptance Training — what you resist persists.  Better to let yourself feel what you feel rather than resisting.  That is not to say that when you get cut off in traffic and you feel angry that you go about exhibiting that anger to everyone about you.  More to the point, you can feel what you feel, but it’s not necessary to share those feelings or dump them on those around you.  Instead, learn a few tools to release the charge of the reaction and restore your state.

For instance, we’ve all heard “Count to 10.”  There is some wisdom in that message to count to 10.  However, it doesn’t fully release the charge.  You can use any number of tools to release charge.  Of course my favorites are the processes of Spiritual Technology, such as PEAT Process, for these tools release the charge at it’s root, de-potentiating the charge between two opposites, powerful stuff in this dualistic world.  I also find ZPoint Process to be a helpful tool.

Nonetheless, if you are not working with me or someone else using such tools, it might be time for you to assess your toolbox.  What tools do you use to release the charge associated with your emotional reactions?  How do you restore your state?

(Many thanks to Jennifer Bishop of Phoenix Tree Productions for the use of the flower image!  My sincere apologies for not figuring out how to properly crop the image.)

It’s that time of year again.  If you are one of those people who tends to experience the “winter blues,” now is the time to get out your light therapy lamps and start using them.  That’s right, now’s the time.  I know that it might seem like the dark months of winter are so very far away.  However, research shows us that if we start using light therapy at the end of August, beginning of September, your experience of winter blues will “lighter” than if you don’t use light.

So, if you think you might have a bit of the winter blues – check it out here and learn a little more about how to take steps now that will help you later.

In the meantime, here’s a little video I did on the topic.

At dinner the other night with a group of friends, my friend Ginny shared pictures and stories from a trip she took to Bali.  For me, what was striking about the conversation was how she kept coming back to the word “freedom.”  Ginny also touched on something that I’ve been thinking about for a very long time now, that our freedom is also our responsibility.  She illustrated this with a great story about an elephant driver, Mu.

Mu

It seems that Mu was pegged to enter banking as a career.  Then to the dismay and hopefully eventual acceptance of his family, he chose to become an elephant driver.  He was insistent that he couldn’t be happy as a banker.  He needed to be an elephant driver.  Mu took up the reins of his life and chose his path.  Freedom.  Mu embraced the responsibility for his happiness in life and chose the thing that would grant him the most happiness – elephants.

Our freedom is our responsibility.  For Mu, freedom was found in taking responsibility for his happiness and choosing that which filled his heart with joy.

Freedom.  It’s a word we toss about in political conversation.  It’s used as a way to explain our wars.  It’s also something that people use as a reason not to be in relationship.  For me, it’s a deeply held core value.   It has played out in my chosen career, in my choice of partner, and in my relentless search for a lasting experience of God, of true Freedom, not just the single experience, but the steadfast awareness that transcends the daily dramas of life.

In many spiritual traditions, true Freedom, freedom with a capital “F,” is considered to be freedom from suffering.  Moreover, suffering is thought to ultimately be caused by our being wrapped up in our attraction to this and our aversion to that – a play created by the tension between pairs of opposites.  On the other hand, Freedom lies in our ability to transcend, to end the trance of being caught up in this play.

I see this playing out in my own life and in the lives of my clients.  When you or I feel some sense of things not being okay, to me, that’s an indication that there is a tension of some pair of opposites in play and out of balance.  Bringing those opposites back into balance has the remarkable effect of restoring a sense of well-being.  This has become even more evident after having completed the training to become a trainer of spiritual technologies.

Some of you know that I’ve been studying this work of Zivorad Slavinski for quite some time.  What’s remarkable to me about this work is that it gives us processes by which we can transcend the play of polarities in life.  I was initially skeptical at the veracity of such a bold statement.  But now, four years later, I’ve seen the difference with my clients and I feel the difference in myself.  I fully believe that aphorism, “s^*t happens, suffering is optional.”  Therein lies our freedom.

Funny, I have freely moved through a variety of spiritual paths in search of Freedom.  Perhaps by the time it’s all said and done, I’ll be a little like Einstein and know a thousand ways you cannot attain self realization, freedom.  It only takes one.  In the meantime, I am delighting in the journey more than I have in years as I’m feeling more free day by day.

What about you?  What is freedom to you?  What do you think is the relationship between freedom and responsibility?

Twenty years ago this year, I moved from Salt Lake City, Utah to east Tennessee.  For me, it was a bit of a challenging move.  For all its conservativeness, the culture of Salt Lake was balanced by an open-minded contingency of people.  There were lots of yoga studios, drumming circles, alternative approaches to mental and spiritual well-being.  I fit in.

I had a thriving practice and active social life.  When I moved to east Tennessee (remember this was in the days before the internet) there was one yoga studio and I could not easily find like-minded people.  I was afraid of being professionally rejected.  Being rejected as a psychotherapist meant that I would not be able to practice.  Not being able to help people release emotional pain and fall in love with themselves and life would have broken my heart.

A part of me went into the closet a little bit.  I was not fully conscious of this then.  I just knew that my clinical training was not at all like most other practitioners and my way of viewing the world was quite different.  It was clear that I was “not from around here.”  That’s really not such a problem, not being from somewhere. My early and teen years were spent as an army brat.  So I was always “not from around” where ever I was.  What was a problem was my not knowing how fully stand in my skills and understanding about personal growth and spiritual evolution while simultaneously building a psychotherapy and later coaching practice in a community where meditation was perceived as evil.

So, I shut a part of me away in the closet.  I wasn’t even conscious of doing this.  Part of me was afraid, so I hid a bit.  Even now, writing this, it’s a little unnerving.  For, I am aware of feeling small hints of the lingering fear of rejection.  But the truth is I allow for a fuller expression of who I AM when I liberate myself from fear in all of its manifestations.  That’s true of all of us.  I’m no different.

Coming out of the closet professionally is one more step in dismantling fear.  Twenty years ago, rejection meant that I would not be able to build a psychotherapy practice.  So, I unconsciously chose to restrict myself out of fear. That’s ok. Now, I think that’s just how it unfolded and it was perfect.

The short story of all of this is that I am coming out of the closet, so watch for some changes on this site. A client recently pointed out to me that she couldn’t really see the fullness of what I do expressed on my website.  Though clients for whom I am a perfect fit have found their way to me and have trusted me with their hearts.  Yet, you wouldn’t fully be able to grasp the depth of what I offer if you just poked around on this site.  Time to change that.

For instance, though I mention retreats, I don’t think that there’s any way anyone could know the richness of spiritual transformation that happens on these retreats. So, I’m coming out of the closet and will be attempting to more clearly articulate what I offer.  Stay tuned.

In the meantime, are there ways that you are hiding?  What parts of you are you keeping in the closet out of fear?  I think about the small ways that some of us hide and am reminded of the tremendous hiding that some of our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters endure.  Their courage inspires me.  If you want to get inspired to come out of the closet a little, join me and let’s take a lesson from our courageous brothers and sisters.   Check out It Gets Better.

I’ve been taking a bit of a rest from my normal routines lately.  Sometimes resting looks like “not doing.”  For me lately, resting has looked like resting my routines.  When I do that, I find surprises in life that I hadn’t previously noticed.

For instance, I like to walk in the field behind my house.  I have my routine of walking the field in big circles.  While resting that routine way of walking the field, I wandered around in the field and found all kinds of patches of new spring growth, violets and other un-identifiable wildflowers (at least to my eye).  Even more than that, I found myself in the middle of the field laying on my back watching the sky pass by.  It was magic.  I found a patch of space that called for a picnic, all in my own backyard, all this glory from resting my routine walk.

I’m a big believer in the value of routines.  I think that they give Life a container in which to be.  And, I’m a big believer in resting routines to see what else might show up.  I wonder what kind of magic you might find in your life if you rest your routines a bit.

Anger generally has an outward directed energy.  Someone in your life does something that does not meet your expectations or standards and you get mad.  Or they don’t do something they said they would do and you get mad.  Or they fail you or someone you care about and you get mad.

Often this “mad” is also accompanied by a kind of righteous indignation.  It’s that righteous indignation that is so very seductive to the ego.  It wraps its gnarly little hands around your heart and puffs itself up in your mind.  Righteous indignation has its own energy and for some people can be quite compelling.

Take a look at the most recent time you felt mad about something.  Was there also a sense of righteous indignation?  Can you see how that feeling seems to justify your anger?  Can you see how puffed up righteous indignation is?

Alternatively, if you release yourself from the grip of righteous indignation, it might just be easier to more fully understand the anger you are feeling.  It will likely be easier to engage in a little self-inquiry and gain insight about the best course of action.  For often, anger calls for action.  Yet, when you jump into action without fully understanding the anger and it’s root source, you are likely to create more distance in your relationships and more stress in your heart.  In the same way, if you are still scrambled up with the full energetic charge of the anger you are likely to create more problems.

Therefore, a good strategy is to first release the energetic charge of the anger (there are a number of tools you can use for this), then engage in a little self-inquiry and finally decide on a course of action to take.  Because the root of most anger is some unmet need or want, your self inquiry might mean asking yourself a few questions like, “What did I expect that didn’t happen?  What do I need that I’m not getting?  How can I get my needs met without verbal violence?”  Most people get that it’s not cool to try to get your needs met with violence.  However, when you are caught up in your anger, you might think that their verbal violence is justified.  That’s one of the reasons it’s best to clear the energetic charge of the anger first.

What are your tricks for clearing the energetic charge of anger?  How do you release yourself from righteous indignation?

I’m not one to worry much about what other people think.  Nonetheless, a week or so ago I found myself feeling unsettled.  At first I could not figure out what had me feeling unsettled.  After a little intrapsychic digging around, I found the culprit.  I felt off kilter because of a mistake I made and I didn’t know the direct impact my mistake had on someone I care about, a client.

I sent her a bill that was way off.  It wasn’t the mistake that had robbed me of my general peacefulness, it was no knowing if my mistake had damaged the relationship.  Now for most people, that might not seem like much of a mistake.  That’s my point, even the smallest of mistakes can crack the crucible of strong relationships.  Moreover, if that crack goes unattended, it can widen.  Soon, the equity you have built up in that relationship begins to seep out.

Once I discovered what inner trickster had run off with my contentment, the solution was pretty easy.  Apologize.  I owned up to the mistake and asked this dear person what, if any, damage was done to the relationship.  Fortunately, no harm no foul.  However, had I ignored my error and just tra-la-la-ed along, I think damage would have been done.

One of the things that sometimes keeps people from owning up to their errors is pride, another is that they don’t have a sense of the relationship equity built up.  Just as you build up equity in your home and other resources by the contributions you make, you build up relationship equity with the generosity of spirit, honest and kindness we bring to your relationships.  With shared intimacy,  you build up relationship equity that you can dip into during those times of foibles.

Often people are far more forgiving then we suspect them to be for they too have made mistakes.  However, I think you lose relationship equity when you make mistakes and are too prideful (insert fearful) to admit the mistake, ask for forgiveness and do what you can to mend the tear in the relationship.  Relationships need and deserve tending.  Sometimes this means mending a tear, sometimes it means expressing our appreciation of others.  Sometimes it means sharing ourselves more fully.

How are you tending to your relationships?  What’s it like for you when you make a relationship mistake?