It was a dark night in Memphis.  I was heading to the hotel.  Friendly people on the corner greeted me.  As I turned to respond, I missed the curb and BAM!  In an instant I was on the ground.  My glasses flew off my face and my bag went flying.  Yowee.  Kazowee!

Image courtesy of pamsclipart.com

All is well, just a scrape here and bruise there.  No big deal.  The big deal came later as I sat down to reflect on what happened.  I have fallen in the past, on ski slopes, in the back yard, on stage (during rehearsal, thank goodness) and countless other places.  In fact, I remember my father saying that I could trip over a rose in the carpet.  It seems I was way over due for a little self reflection about this pattern.

A practice of self reflection can help us unearth old tendencies and release patterns of feeling and being.  Moreover, self reflection goes a long way towards cultivating greater self awareness.  Engaging in rigorous and honest self reflection demands both courage and compassion.  For in order to cultivate a life long discipline of self reflection, you need to know that you are not going to beat yourself up every time you find yourself “less than” some ideal image you hold of who and how you should be…so you need self compassion.  And, courage, hooboy do you need courage to be honest with yourself as you reflect!

Can you see how this works?  Because if you are going to be rigorously honest with yourself, you need the courage to face what you find.  And if you are going to willingly address what you find, you need to be compassionate with yourself so that you can face whatever you’ve found with a kind heart.

What I found is an old pattern rooted in a fall I took as a child and the guilt I felt about that fall.  I also found a feeling of fear about my body.  Armed with this knowledge, I was able to dismantle the intrapsychic structures supporting this old tendency using spiritual technology.

Spiritual technology processes are fabulous tools that aid in releasing the tensions that accumulate in life and beyond that, they provide a means of releasing the pain caused by being caught between pairs of opposites.  In this case, it was the duality of confidence and fear along with guilt and freedom that were influencing my behavior and my state.

What might change for you if you approached your self reflection with greater courage and compassion?  Are there pairs of opposites showing up in your life that are contributing to patterns that don’t support your well-being?

This morning, my daughter shared a video with me.  And I want to share it with you.  So, instead of posting something for you to read, take a few minutes and watch this video.  This is why I do what I do.

So, how’s your state?  What are you empathically sharing with others?  If your state is not quite where you want it to be, how do you shift your state?

With delightful curiosity, a client recently asked, “What is the benefit of participating in a committed relationship?”  Great question.  I’m a fan of the long term commitment to learning to love one person and letting that person learn to love me.  Yet, with her question, I couldn’t quite find the words to answer the question.

So here’s round 2 of my attempt answer that question from my perspective and I would love it if you would join the conversation and add your point of view.

I think I’d start the exploration of answering that question with another question (tricky, right?), “What have been the benefits of your participation in other loving, committed relationships?”

I think there are “shiny” little presents that come from participating in a committed loving relationship that don’t show up in other areas of life.  I’m not just talking about the Redbook response here…you know…companionship, someone sharing your jokes…I’m talking about the benefit of participating in a committed relationship has to your spiritual growth.

I think that that participating in a committed relationship implies love.  That loving relationship then forms a kind of crucible for transformation.  In that crucible, I think we have the potential of becoming more adept at knowing what to let go of and what to hold on to — perhaps an essential knowing in growing more into who we really are as we walk in this human life — balancing attachment and non-attachment.

Another benefit is learning to balance respect for self with respect for other — learning to recognize, over and over and over the Divine within me and the Divine before me.  This kind of real balancing act becomes more nuanced in committing to love someone totally.  It becomes more nuanced in the community of intimate love.  Then, the love itself, the relationship itself becomes the wisdom teacher.  This wisdom blossoms in the field of committed love — again, what do I hold on to and what do I let go of in order to cultivate the knowledge of the Truth?  Not an easy question to answer.  Harder still in the context of committed relationships.  If not for the commitment, I don’t have to ask the question.

In a committed relationship, there’s the challenge to not lose oneself in the process, not to betray oneself — to remain true to oneself.  In some ways, I think being in a committed relationship is a commitment to discover and live in Truth – THROUGH the learning that comes from being in committed relationship.  So the commitment is a commitment to Truth and to the Self.  The relationship is the mirror.

And, let me tell you, after 30 years with the same person, sometimes that mirror needs some significant polishing!  The polishing takes the form of owning my shadow self with all its gradations and engaging deep with those parts of me that I would rather disown, deny or project out on my beloved.  He’s not so keen to be the object of my projections.  Truth told, neither am I.

Some say that this kind of commitment is a high level sadhana, spiritual practice and walk.  I’m not so sure, because that implies a greater than and a less than.  I don’t really buy into that line of thinking when it comes to sadhana.  That said, being in relationship like this, with this kind of commitment sometimes feels like graduate school at finals time!

I also think that there are layers and textures of humility, strength, love and respect that I wouldn’t be able to totally grock if not in relationship – these divine qualities expressed in humanity revealed in committed love shine as light through a mult-faceted diamond – hard won.  Just as a diamond is formed and revealed only after being subjected to pressure, a LOT of pressure – a lump of coal under pressure.  Perhaps committed love is the same.

The rough and unseen, unacknowledged and unrecognized rough edges of the ego are gradually exposed and worn away – revealing the shiny love of the Soul.  Whereas the ego reveals itself in our reactions each other,  the Soul may reveal itself in our deep acceptance of each other.

Still with me?

As for this kind of deep true acceptance, there’s the opportunity to unravel some metaphors of LIFE.  If I’m feeling challenged to fully accept something about my beloved, what’s the something?  What’s the metaphor here, what am I trying to teach myself through metaphor?  What does it really mean to accept another beyond the concretized illusion in front of me?

Another area in this playground of committed love is the jungle gym of power – relinquishing power and asserting power – more of learning to discern what to hold onto and what to let go of – that dance between our masculine and feminine natures.

In this dance, on this playground, I think that committed love has the potential of moving us past the IDEA of love to LOVE.  To love the idea of LOVE without the practical experience of getting back to LOVE frees seems to imprison one in a kind of virtuous delusion, liberated from the daily, sometimes moment by moment  struggle to fully LOVE someone – warts and all AND letting them learn to love you.

So.  LOVE becomes a territory, often without a good map.  It’s full of surprises, challenges, raw untamed beauty and raw untamed pain.  Commitment increases your capacity to love beyond what you think possible.  This kind of commitment demands you stay AWAKE and intentional.  It demands that you increase your capacity to fully see from another’s perspective.  Ken Wilber said, “The more perspectives I can see – the more I can LOVE.”

Obviously, this is not the only territory for transcendence, just one of the playgrounds.

The goal of this kind of love is transcendence:  trance – end – dance.

All this said, it seems to me that the big questions to ask are “What is the benefit of committing to love this person?  Are we both committed enough to awakened love, to do the hard work, to live outside the gilded cage of the idea of love to explore the unmapped territory of LOVE?”

On a lighter note, make some popcorn and rent “THE PRINCESS BRIDE.”  This fable is chock-ful of metaphors, fun, and heroism in the territory of LOVE.

OH!  And, check out my New Year’s Message Tele-Retreat!

So, what do you think?  Join the conversation and add your two cents.

Today, someone could really benefit from your understanding. Who is it? It might even be you!