Things don’t always unfold as I think they should.  Does that ever happen to you?  Come on, you can tell me.

Long ago, for Lent, I gave up having expectations, not that I’m Catholic or Episcopalian.  I just like the idea of Lent.  (Note to Self, write about Lent, during Lent!)  I found that I was not so successful at completely letting go of expectations, but it sure did make me more aware of the role expectations play in Life.

What brings this to mind is my recent trip to the mountains of North Carolina.  Let’s give a shout out to 75 degree weather!  Anyway, we were staying on the border of the Pisgah National Forest, where I fell in love, again, with trees.

What do trees have to do with expectations?

Expectations, if we hold them too tightly rob us of delight and peace in the unfolding moment.  Whereas, trees, ahhhhh, trees ~ their very existence demands that they be flexible.  The wind blows, they bend,  The snow falls, they bend.  They don’t seem to mind the wind and the snow.

In fact, the wind seems to empty them of their dead branches, revealing even more beauty.  So, they flow with the wind and let go of what is no longer alive.

I think we can learn from trees.

Where might you need to bend a little?

Where might flexibility open the door to delight or peace in the unfolding moment?

What expectation might you be holding on a little too tightly?

How might being a bit more flexible enrich the forest of your life?

Finally, what ideas or beliefs might you release like so many dead branches if you bent with what is, rather than with what you think should be?

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but suffering in life is not going away.  I’m reminded of this for many reasons.  And, no the suffering in my life is not one of them.  Just turn on the news or talk with someone for whom you care.  Suffering in our very human lives is here to stay.  Still reading?

Here’s the good news, not all of life is suffering.  What this means in terms of being in life with more equipoise, with greater equanimity,  is that as you practice being in life with friendly detachment, the ups and downs of life’s storms – - – even the emotional storms have less power over you.

Rarely does an emotional storm just hit.  Imagine you are standing in your doorway looking out on a bright sunny day and then all of a sudden, I mean in an instant, you are swept out of your doorway into the broiling fury of a hurricane.

Storms don’t really work like that.  First you might notice a cool wind, then the clouds start to shift, then the sky gets dark, then it starts drizzling, then it starts raining.  Then the thunder and lightening, then maybe there’s hail and furious winds, by now, you should be taking cover, right?  Gradually, the storm dissipates.  The thunder and lightening rolls away, the rain lessons and then becomes a sprinkle and soon the sun is back out with it’s warmth and promise.

Emotionally, it’s much the same.  Notice the choice points every step of the way.  There are choice points where you can notice the thought (maybe it has something to do with attraction or aversion), you can right then practice being with the thought and the emotion while it’s a breeze before it becomes a wind.  As a physician friend said, you begin to activate Heisenberg’s Principle (I think that’s correct).  Watching changes what you are watching.  Wanna read that again?  Watching, changes what you are watching.  When you observe something, what you are observing changes.

I think of this as kind of naming the beast of whatever you are experiencing.  You name it.  Then just practice being with it — as the ocean is with it’s own waves.  It’s not upset that there’s a wave.  It’s just there.  It’s part of the ocean, but it’s not the whole ocean.  So it is with our own upsets.  So it is with the circumstances of our lives.

This is much much much easier to do if you have a formal meditation practice.  I know I tend to get on a soap box about this.  So I’ll not rant too long.  If you don’t meditate or engage in some centering practice.  Start.  You will be so happy you did.  I’ve got a couple of free recordings under free stuff to help you get started.  Soon, I’ll have more resources so stay tuned.

Then there’s all the times we just don’t want to do the work – there’s the play of aversion in having to work at being in our life with greater ease.  Again, EVERYONE on the planet has some thing in their life that they just don’t want to do.  We all get  tired of doing — there is aversion to one experience and attraction to another.  Be easy with yourself in these times.  Be a kind friend to yourself.

I don’t think that the attraction and aversion play is really the problem.  I think it’s our holding on to our attractions and aversions that create problems.  Just play with noticing the play of attraction and aversion in your life.  Notice how you are attracted to one experience and averse to another.  You needn’t try to change it.  It’s a natural part of human life.  And, these moments of being attracted to one experience and averse to another contribute to our feeling off — not quite centered.  Notice, and practice letting go.

If you’ve been reading for a while, you know I’m facilitating a women’s retreat very soon in France.  (Wanna come?  We have ONE opening!).  Anyway, last night, I was looking for airfare and noticed my shoulders beginning to hunch up, there was a tightness setting in around my mouth and eyes.  Then there were the barest of responses to my loving and patient husband.  My aversion to the high airfare was starting to get the best of me.

Can you see how it’s not only the big aversions that throw us off.  It’s the little aversions and attractions as well.

After a while, after spending a little too long in this play between my frustration because of being caught up in the attraction to easy low fare and the aversion to high fares, I took a deep breath and closed my lap top.  With practice,  maybe next time, I’ll just watch the attraction and aversion like waves in the ocean of my experience and book a flight.

With delightful curiosity, a client recently asked, “What is the benefit of participating in a committed relationship?”  Great question.  I’m a fan of the long term commitment to learning to love one person and letting that person learn to love me.  Yet, with her question, I couldn’t quite find the words to answer the question.

So here’s round 2 of my attempt answer that question from my perspective and I would love it if you would join the conversation and add your point of view.

I think I’d start the exploration of answering that question with another question (tricky, right?), “What have been the benefits of your participation in other loving, committed relationships?”

I think there are “shiny” little presents that come from participating in a committed loving relationship that don’t show up in other areas of life.  I’m not just talking about the Redbook response here…you know…companionship, someone sharing your jokes…I’m talking about the benefit of participating in a committed relationship has to your spiritual growth.

I think that that participating in a committed relationship implies love.  That loving relationship then forms a kind of crucible for transformation.  In that crucible, I think we have the potential of becoming more adept at knowing what to let go of and what to hold on to — perhaps an essential knowing in growing more into who we really are as we walk in this human life — balancing attachment and non-attachment.

Another benefit is learning to balance respect for self with respect for other — learning to recognize, over and over and over the Divine within me and the Divine before me.  This kind of real balancing act becomes more nuanced in committing to love someone totally.  It becomes more nuanced in the community of intimate love.  Then, the love itself, the relationship itself becomes the wisdom teacher.  This wisdom blossoms in the field of committed love — again, what do I hold on to and what do I let go of in order to cultivate the knowledge of the Truth?  Not an easy question to answer.  Harder still in the context of committed relationships.  If not for the commitment, I don’t have to ask the question.

In a committed relationship, there’s the challenge to not lose oneself in the process, not to betray oneself — to remain true to oneself.  In some ways, I think being in a committed relationship is a commitment to discover and live in Truth – THROUGH the learning that comes from being in committed relationship.  So the commitment is a commitment to Truth and to the Self.  The relationship is the mirror.

And, let me tell you, after 30 years with the same person, sometimes that mirror needs some significant polishing!  The polishing takes the form of owning my shadow self with all its gradations and engaging deep with those parts of me that I would rather disown, deny or project out on my beloved.  He’s not so keen to be the object of my projections.  Truth told, neither am I.

Some say that this kind of commitment is a high level sadhana, spiritual practice and walk.  I’m not so sure, because that implies a greater than and a less than.  I don’t really buy into that line of thinking when it comes to sadhana.  That said, being in relationship like this, with this kind of commitment sometimes feels like graduate school at finals time!

I also think that there are layers and textures of humility, strength, love and respect that I wouldn’t be able to totally grock if not in relationship – these divine qualities expressed in humanity revealed in committed love shine as light through a mult-faceted diamond – hard won.  Just as a diamond is formed and revealed only after being subjected to pressure, a LOT of pressure – a lump of coal under pressure.  Perhaps committed love is the same.

The rough and unseen, unacknowledged and unrecognized rough edges of the ego are gradually exposed and worn away – revealing the shiny love of the Soul.  Whereas the ego reveals itself in our reactions each other,  the Soul may reveal itself in our deep acceptance of each other.

Still with me?

As for this kind of deep true acceptance, there’s the opportunity to unravel some metaphors of LIFE.  If I’m feeling challenged to fully accept something about my beloved, what’s the something?  What’s the metaphor here, what am I trying to teach myself through metaphor?  What does it really mean to accept another beyond the concretized illusion in front of me?

Another area in this playground of committed love is the jungle gym of power – relinquishing power and asserting power – more of learning to discern what to hold onto and what to let go of – that dance between our masculine and feminine natures.

In this dance, on this playground, I think that committed love has the potential of moving us past the IDEA of love to LOVE.  To love the idea of LOVE without the practical experience of getting back to LOVE frees seems to imprison one in a kind of virtuous delusion, liberated from the daily, sometimes moment by moment  struggle to fully LOVE someone – warts and all AND letting them learn to love you.

So.  LOVE becomes a territory, often without a good map.  It’s full of surprises, challenges, raw untamed beauty and raw untamed pain.  Commitment increases your capacity to love beyond what you think possible.  This kind of commitment demands you stay AWAKE and intentional.  It demands that you increase your capacity to fully see from another’s perspective.  Ken Wilber said, “The more perspectives I can see – the more I can LOVE.”

Obviously, this is not the only territory for transcendence, just one of the playgrounds.

The goal of this kind of love is transcendence:  trance – end – dance.

All this said, it seems to me that the big questions to ask are “What is the benefit of committing to love this person?  Are we both committed enough to awakened love, to do the hard work, to live outside the gilded cage of the idea of love to explore the unmapped territory of LOVE?”

On a lighter note, make some popcorn and rent “THE PRINCESS BRIDE.”  This fable is chock-ful of metaphors, fun, and heroism in the territory of LOVE.

OH!  And, check out my New Year’s Message Tele-Retreat!

So, what do you think?  Join the conversation and add your two cents.

So far today, I have so many good things.  Nonetheless, I’ll hold it to reporting on 3 good things.  But first…

Yesterday, as I contemplated 3 good things, I found myself relishing remembering the good things.  And then I felt this creeping feeling that I needed to add a new post articulating my 3 good things.  That didn’t feel so good.  Thinking that I should DO something was seriously taking me out of BEing.  So, I let go of the “you should post” injunction I’d given myself. I just let go, dropped it and relaxed back into remembering.

I’m almost 50 (this coming Thursday if you must know).  Anyway, I’ve spent a good many of those years addressing and mending the intrapsychic damage of that one simple word, “should.”  And, there I was thinking I “should” post and finding myself entering a kind of dampening emotional cloud.  Lost was that feeling of sparkling aliveness I felt when relishing my good things – which is kind of the point…learning to relish the good things.

Amazing that one word can steal your joy.

On to good things:

1.  Huxley said hello to a strange dog without growling or acting aggressive.  Though Huxley is an awesome dog, he has a very bad habit of aggressively greeting other dogs.  I’ve had him about a month…he’s got a couple of issues.

2.  I had a most relaxing walk in the Maryville College woods with David, Addy and Huxley.

3.  David is cooking dinner.

We humans have a shared habit.  We are often hold onto things that hurt us and let go of things that help us rather than the other way around.  Two sides of the same coin, this holding on and letting go.

In a recent conversation with a group of extraordinary women, we drifted into exploring the very human tendency to hold on.  We hold on to old hurts, regrets, resentments, expectations.  We hold onto ideas, beliefs, stuff.  There are endless possibilities for holding on.

Here’s the thing, when holding on and letting go is out of balance, we are restricting our capacity to experience  freedom and peacefulness in the present moment.

One very like-able woman held onto the idea that at some point her adult son would come around to appreciating her and would actually like her.  Another held onto a desire for her mother to be happy in the midst of a very challenging time.  Yet another held onto the wish for a medical procedure to be in her past and not in her future.  One woman talked about holding on to stuff that was cluttering up her home.  And I have been holding on to the expectation that a person I have been trying to contact would actually return my calls as well as my frustration that they haven’t thus far.

All of this holding on, whether it is a thought, a belief, a person, a desire, even an old, out-dated way of being robs each of us of the joy and peace available in the present.  In fact, it is impossible to fully be present to what IS when we are wishing for what could be, lamenting the past and hoping for the future.

Someone once asked an esteemed monk, “What is the secret of your contentment?”  He replied, “I don’t mind what is.”

As this group of wise women played around in the field of accepting what is, it became clearer to me that when holding on and letting go are in balance, it is easier to enter that garden of contentment – not minding what is – it is easier to enter the sublime garden of the present moment.

So, the question I invite you to play with is this; when you are experiencing any kind of suffering, what are you holding on to?  And, borrowing from the Sedona Method, ask yourself these questions; Could I let go?  Would I let go?  When?  Asking several rounds of these questions can help loosen your grip.