When I was old enough to realize that my family of origin was slightly more damaged than was functional I made a vow to myself. I swore that I would be the last person in our genetic line to deal with life the way my parents and the generations before them had. And I have spent the better part of the last 15 years (the vow came well before my ability to do anything about it) pursuing ways to heal.

At first, it was a lot of sit down and talk therapy. It was validating and for the longest time that may have been the only thing to which I could respond. But gradually, I got bored. This in itself was huge because I am one of those people who can spin a story in three seconds flat and I knew that to get bored with story meant that I was ready for the next level.

For the longest time, I thought that dealing with issues meant just that, dealing with the issue. Talking it over, thinking it out, wearing it (and myself) down like a stone in a current. I thought it took effort and pain and often reliving emotions. And while all of this can be cathartic, for me, it never really seemed to help me go beyond that issue. I would deal with my anger over something and then the next day or week I would be dealing with that same anger over that same issue.

So when Melanie told me that Spiritual Technology and PEAT work were nothing like that, I was skeptical and intrigued. Could I really be done with an issue in a session of this work and not be triggered by it again? As if I had packed it in a suitcase and left it by the side of my road?

My answer is yes. When I left her office after my first PEAT session, I noticed right away that colors seemed brighter and lines sharper. It seemed as though a film had been lifted away from my eyes. So I tested it.

The issue Melanie had been helping me integrate was one of letting go of an old relationship. It was an issue that still held a lot of my energy and I wanted to finally be done with it. So I thought of him. And I thought of him when we were happy and when we hated each other. And it was like watching a movie.
The good, the bad, and the in-between all simply were. I didn’t feel angry or bitter where I had before over certain memories; nor did I feel that sadness that came with feeling as though I had lost the good stuff.

It was not a process of years of talking and dealing. It was a thirty minute session where I closed my eyes and breathed. Melanie led me through a series of questions and answers until we reached the intention I had placed at the beginning: peace.

thanks to Ed Bolden for the photo

The New Year brings with it expectations of resolutions; often in the form of breaking old habits and forming new ones. Most of us want to live better lives, whatever that may mean. For me, a couple of things come to mind.  One is my commitment to write again after a hiatus of a couple of months.  Part of this hiatus has been driven by my enthusiasm for a new project I’ve been on which I’ve been working.

If you’ve been reading a while, you might remember that I’ve been studying and practicing Spiritual Technology, the work of Zivorad Slavinski.  As one of a handful of ST trainers in the US, I have spent the last few months working on a plan to share the power of this work with more people. 

Specifically, I’ve been working on a program to train yoga teachers to be Off the Mat Yoga Coaches using Spiritual Technology.  This is very exciting for me as the more I work with his techniques and processes, the more impressed I am – the more convinced I am in their ability to help people free themselves from the entanglements of the ego and live from the Essence of who they are.

The crux of all of my work, whether it be with a client or within myself, is to find and use ways that help us all learn to live more closely aligned with our deepest Essence of being. I want to live as closely attuned to that source of Oneness as I can.  For me, it boils down to using ST as a spiritual practice alongside my longtime companions of yoga and meditation to help me align myself with my Essence.

Sometimes people busy themselves with distractions out of some kind of fear that if they truly listened to their deepest Essence, they would hear things that are too much or too hard. The grain of truth here is that sometimes letting yourself see and feel what’s really true for you can feel painful — yet on the other side of that pain is a sweet peace, calm or joy — it can’t be otherwise in a world of duality.

I believe that whatever challenges you and I face, those challenges are not bigger than us.  I believe that within each of us is strength and courage to face and transcend our limiting beliefs that shroud our very Essence. And if we can live more often and more fully from a place of peace and plenty in our own hearts then we can change the world.  Seriously, together, we can make this world an even better paradise.

Slavinski’s PEAT processes have proven to be an efficacious way of accessing that strength and courage.  Moreover, these techniques help us disengage the ego, detach from the reactivity that comes with identifying with the ego, and reattach ourselves to our own core being, the Essence of who we are. I have noticed profound changes in my ability to stay on an even keel. I’ve become less reactive to the ups and downs of life and have witnessed my clients becoming less and less bothered both personally and professionally by things that, in the past, would have caused no small amount of emotional upheaval.

I’m really thrilled to be sharing this work with others and will soon be offering my second and final “beta” training for yoga teachers.  Stay tuned for more info!  In the meantime, how can you live more closely to your Essence?

*PEAT – Prime Energy Activation and Transcendence

Your state of being is at the heart of how you experience yourself in life.  It informs your perspective and your choices.  It is your responsibility to protect and restore your state.  Yet, when your state is jangled by the challenges of life, you get thrown into a variety of very human reactions — anger, sad, frustrated, scared or even wild, over the moon joy.  These reactions can be like a filter for a camera lens that distorts the perspective a bit.  You cannot get a clear read on a situation through a distorted lens.  These distortions color your view and disrupt your state.

Real and lasting peace can be attained through the cultivation of a steady state.  Sound boring?  It’s not.  When you attune yourself to your state of being and find that place of balance inside, you will find a precious sweetness to living in a steady state.

However, most people experience a variety of reactions throughout daily life.  Someone cuts you off in traffic, your spouse fusses at you about this or that, you failed when you hoped to succeed.  We all have reactions, it is just a part of life.  Nonetheless, these reactions can be a gold mine, they can point you in the direction of real spiritual growth.  When you dive into these reactions and uncover and neutralize the polarities at the heart of the reaction, you essentially and gradually begin shifting identification away from your ego to the essence of your Self.  The most efficient way I know how to do this is through PEAT Processes from Spiritual Technology.  I have found these processes to be so profoundly valuable, I am now one of the handful of Spiritual Technology Trainers in the US.

PEAT stands for Prime Energy Activation and Transcendence.  PEAT processes aid in spiritual development and were developed by Zivorad Slavinski, a psychologist from Belgrade, Serbia.  PEAT helps you to accept and transcend the energetic tug that is at the heart of most reactions.  Moreover, as you move deeper and deeper into your personal and spiritual development work in this way, it begins to feel as though you are dismantling the scaffolding of the ego.  Some trick, eh?

Even without the support of PEAT Processes, you can begin discharging the energy associated with a reaction by practicing simply accepting your reaction. Yet, many people complicate their experience by resisting the reaction.  You might get defensive as your reaction doesn’t really match the ideal image you carry about yourself.  Or you might resist the reaction because don’t like the way it feels.

There’s an aphorism that underlies both Spiritual Technology and Self Acceptance Training — what you resist persists.  Better to let yourself feel what you feel rather than resisting.  That is not to say that when you get cut off in traffic and you feel angry that you go about exhibiting that anger to everyone about you.  More to the point, you can feel what you feel, but it’s not necessary to share those feelings or dump them on those around you.  Instead, learn a few tools to release the charge of the reaction and restore your state.

For instance, we’ve all heard “Count to 10.”  There is some wisdom in that message to count to 10.  However, it doesn’t fully release the charge.  You can use any number of tools to release charge.  Of course my favorites are the processes of Spiritual Technology, such as PEAT Process, for these tools release the charge at it’s root, de-potentiating the charge between two opposites, powerful stuff in this dualistic world.  I also find ZPoint Process to be a helpful tool.

Nonetheless, if you are not working with me or someone else using such tools, it might be time for you to assess your toolbox.  What tools do you use to release the charge associated with your emotional reactions?  How do you restore your state?

(Many thanks to Jennifer Bishop of Phoenix Tree Productions for the use of the flower image!  My sincere apologies for not figuring out how to properly crop the image.)

I am a big believer in mentors.  Mentors have enriched my life throughout my life.  My first mentor was Dick Olney, the father of Self Acceptance Training.  More recently, I’ve been studying with Zivorad Slavinski, the founder of Spiritual Technology.  Both Dick and Zivorad have deeply influenced me both personally and professionally.  More recently, I’ve found business mentors – two incredible women who are teaching me how to share what I have to share.  As a social worker, I’ve been challenged to find teachers who come at business from a heart-centered/service oriented place – enter Tory Johnson and Michelle Pippin.

When I’ve asked Tory about some project I’m working on, her first question is something along the lines of “what outcome are you going for?”  I love that question.  It refocuses me back to my intention.  It brings me back to beginning with the end in mind.

Well here’s where it gets interesting for me.  A few months back I did a piece of Spiritual Technology work with a friend of mine, Judith Daniel, that Zivorad calls the “Unification of Time.”  One of the many benefits of this piece of work has been that I’ve come more fully into the present with more clarity about the past and future.   At least that’s how I’ve experienced it and what my clients describe. 

This means that though I’ve had a daily meditation practice for the last almost 30 years and have long experienced the benefits of mindfulness meditation, after this work I’ve found myself effortlessly experiencing myself in the present.  For those of you who have read Eckhart Tolle or practice mindfulness meditation, I trust that you can understand what I’m talking about here.  Another of the benefits of this piece of work has been that I’ve found myself being much clearer about my goals in just about every area of life.  Further, this clarity has not come from sitting down and fretting over goals, it’s been more like I’ve become aware of goals from a purer place within, goals that are aligned with me at the deepest level.  Very cool.

Anyway, back to the beginning with the end in mind.  After this work with Judith, I found myself thinking more and more about my death.  If you’ve never contemplated your death, it’s a worthwhile contemplation.  In thinking about my death, I found myself remembering Tory’s question and asked myself, “What kind of death do I want?  And if I want that kind of death, what do I need to do NOW to set the stage for that?”  I’m beginning with the end in mind — with the awareness of my eventual death.   I’m quite certain that when Tory asks me this question, she is not intending that I think about my death, but about what I’m offering in my business.  What’s a contemplative girl to do?

This contemplation has inspired me in numerous ways.  I’m walking more, I’m coming out of the closet with offering more workshops in spiritual technology, even the way I interact seems to be changing — effortlessly.  This contemplation is putting my life in perspective in a different way.  Of course, I’ve always known that I will one day die.  But somehow holding that contemplation has opened up life for me in a new way.  It feels like I’m living more fully, more freely.

It’s like Steve Jobs said, “Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

How do you stay on track with living more fully and following your heart?

It was a dark night in Memphis.  I was heading to the hotel.  Friendly people on the corner greeted me.  As I turned to respond, I missed the curb and BAM!  In an instant I was on the ground.  My glasses flew off my face and my bag went flying.  Yowee.  Kazowee!

Image courtesy of pamsclipart.com

All is well, just a scrape here and bruise there.  No big deal.  The big deal came later as I sat down to reflect on what happened.  I have fallen in the past, on ski slopes, in the back yard, on stage (during rehearsal, thank goodness) and countless other places.  In fact, I remember my father saying that I could trip over a rose in the carpet.  It seems I was way over due for a little self reflection about this pattern.

A practice of self reflection can help us unearth old tendencies and release patterns of feeling and being.  Moreover, self reflection goes a long way towards cultivating greater self awareness.  Engaging in rigorous and honest self reflection demands both courage and compassion.  For in order to cultivate a life long discipline of self reflection, you need to know that you are not going to beat yourself up every time you find yourself “less than” some ideal image you hold of who and how you should be…so you need self compassion.  And, courage, hooboy do you need courage to be honest with yourself as you reflect!

Can you see how this works?  Because if you are going to be rigorously honest with yourself, you need the courage to face what you find.  And if you are going to willingly address what you find, you need to be compassionate with yourself so that you can face whatever you’ve found with a kind heart.

What I found is an old pattern rooted in a fall I took as a child and the guilt I felt about that fall.  I also found a feeling of fear about my body.  Armed with this knowledge, I was able to dismantle the intrapsychic structures supporting this old tendency using spiritual technology.

Spiritual technology processes are fabulous tools that aid in releasing the tensions that accumulate in life and beyond that, they provide a means of releasing the pain caused by being caught between pairs of opposites.  In this case, it was the duality of confidence and fear along with guilt and freedom that were influencing my behavior and my state.

What might change for you if you approached your self reflection with greater courage and compassion?  Are there pairs of opposites showing up in your life that are contributing to patterns that don’t support your well-being?

At dinner the other night with a group of friends, my friend Ginny shared pictures and stories from a trip she took to Bali.  For me, what was striking about the conversation was how she kept coming back to the word “freedom.”  Ginny also touched on something that I’ve been thinking about for a very long time now, that our freedom is also our responsibility.  She illustrated this with a great story about an elephant driver, Mu.

Mu

It seems that Mu was pegged to enter banking as a career.  Then to the dismay and hopefully eventual acceptance of his family, he chose to become an elephant driver.  He was insistent that he couldn’t be happy as a banker.  He needed to be an elephant driver.  Mu took up the reins of his life and chose his path.  Freedom.  Mu embraced the responsibility for his happiness in life and chose the thing that would grant him the most happiness – elephants.

Our freedom is our responsibility.  For Mu, freedom was found in taking responsibility for his happiness and choosing that which filled his heart with joy.

Freedom.  It’s a word we toss about in political conversation.  It’s used as a way to explain our wars.  It’s also something that people use as a reason not to be in relationship.  For me, it’s a deeply held core value.   It has played out in my chosen career, in my choice of partner, and in my relentless search for a lasting experience of God, of true Freedom, not just the single experience, but the steadfast awareness that transcends the daily dramas of life.

In many spiritual traditions, true Freedom, freedom with a capital “F,” is considered to be freedom from suffering.  Moreover, suffering is thought to ultimately be caused by our being wrapped up in our attraction to this and our aversion to that – a play created by the tension between pairs of opposites.  On the other hand, Freedom lies in our ability to transcend, to end the trance of being caught up in this play.

I see this playing out in my own life and in the lives of my clients.  When you or I feel some sense of things not being okay, to me, that’s an indication that there is a tension of some pair of opposites in play and out of balance.  Bringing those opposites back into balance has the remarkable effect of restoring a sense of well-being.  This has become even more evident after having completed the training to become a trainer of spiritual technologies.

Some of you know that I’ve been studying this work of Zivorad Slavinski for quite some time.  What’s remarkable to me about this work is that it gives us processes by which we can transcend the play of polarities in life.  I was initially skeptical at the veracity of such a bold statement.  But now, four years later, I’ve seen the difference with my clients and I feel the difference in myself.  I fully believe that aphorism, “s^*t happens, suffering is optional.”  Therein lies our freedom.

Funny, I have freely moved through a variety of spiritual paths in search of Freedom.  Perhaps by the time it’s all said and done, I’ll be a little like Einstein and know a thousand ways you cannot attain self realization, freedom.  It only takes one.  In the meantime, I am delighting in the journey more than I have in years as I’m feeling more free day by day.

What about you?  What is freedom to you?  What do you think is the relationship between freedom and responsibility?

I have a cracked flower pot on my front porch.  It’s far from perfect.  Yet, there is some beauty in its imperfection that fills my heart.  It reminds me of the sweet container that is my body.  Less than perfect.

My body at 52 can no longer do all the cool stuff it could do without effort in my twenties, thirties and even forties.  Yet, still it carries me around everyday.  It is a container for my life that sometimes feels like a cracked pot.  It carries old injuries and is the container for current pleasures.  Everyday, without fail, it carries me.

I have mourned the loss of former capacities.  I’ve rid myself of the old expectations of what this body can do, much like pulling old flowers that have long past offered their last blossom.  The last year or so I’ve embraced new ways of being with my body that honor where I am now, rather than where I was.  I’m learning to plant new flowers and pleasures into the container of my life.

Looking at this flowerpot reminds me to love and live where I am rather than where I was and where I might be later.  How do you remember to live where you are?  With what blossoms are you filling the container of your life as it is now?

These last couple of weeks, I’ve been hearing a theme in my work with people – “How do I disagree with my partner in a respectful way?”  A young couple I’m seeing in my practice have been going around with this one for a while.  I certainly remember being in the first years of my relationship with husband, David (going on thirty years now).  We sure have bumped up against the challenge of respectfully disagreeing.

It’s not uncommon when we disagree with someone to feel disrespected or not heard.  We can all easily make the mistaken assumption that our loved one’s disagreeing, their having another point of view, means that they either don’t hear us — after all, if they really heard what we were saying, how on earth could they disagree!? — or that they are simply being disrespectful.

Disagreeing is neither.  Disagreeing simply means that the other person has a different perspective.  Sometimes, the only way David and I could find our way through an argument was to take a deep breath and say, “You know, you and I just aren’t the same.”  That can feel like a hard fall from the sweet space of falling in love.  Others say, “the honeymoon’s over.”  Yes, and . . .

Learning to disagree and equally important, learning to accept that our sweet one doesn’t see life the same way we do is essential to fully respecting each other.  Cultivating the hard won appreciation that our beloved sees the world through their own eyes and not ours ultimately grants a kind of serenity you might feel after practicing a balance pose over and over and finally standing on one foot with complete equipoise.

Here are few tips to help you hold your balance when you are thrown off by disagreements:

1.  Listen, really listen.  Make sure you really hear what the other person is saying.  Listen for the content and the feelings beneath the content.  What are they feeling?  What need are they trying to express?  Reflect back what you hear to make sure you fully understand.  As much as possible, reflect your understanding with kind words and a kind open expression.  Sometimes, if you are still feeling charged up because you are not being heard, this kind of listening might be very very difficult.  If that’s the case, practice self control and/or take some time and clear the charge you are feeling so  you can listen more carefully.

2.  Practice being courteous.  One of the qualities that gets lost in many relationships is simple courteousness.  Everyday, aim to treat “your people” with kind courtesy.  This might mean treating each other like guests in your home, it might mean doing tiny kindnesses for them.  In disagreements, this means sharing your point of view politely in a calm voice.  Again, if you are feeling too charged up, learning to clear the emotional energetic charge can really help you listen to your beloved and express your point of view with heartfelt respect.

3.  Ask if your disagreeing partner is ready and willing to hear your point of view.  Be ready to wait as they really and truly may not be in a place that they are ready to listen to you.  If they are ready and willing, share yourself.  Share your thoughts and the rationale behind what you think.  As best you can, share your needs and your feelings.  Don’t make them guess.  Remember, you do not need to abandon or sacrifice self respect to respect someone else.  Share from a position of truly sharing, not to try to convince or persuade, just to share.  Part of your sharing might include how hearing your partner has influenced your perspective.  Or perhaps has you listened, you could hear some truth in what your partner shared.  You might even have clarity about what need of yours is in play. What need is being met or not met by your perspective.

4.  Finally, remember that coming to agreement does not necessarily mean that you will 100% agree with each other and it doesn’t always mean compromising.  There are gradients of agreement.  And from my perspective, the value of learning to disagree with each other respectfully is coming back to the sweet spot of truly seeing and being seen by the one you love.  That’s the true aim of disagreeing respectfully.

I wonder how our world might look if we all learned to disagree respectfully and honored gradients of agreement.  What are your tips for disagreeing respectfully?

Anger generally has an outward directed energy.  Someone in your life does something that does not meet your expectations or standards and you get mad.  Or they don’t do something they said they would do and you get mad.  Or they fail you or someone you care about and you get mad.

Often this “mad” is also accompanied by a kind of righteous indignation.  It’s that righteous indignation that is so very seductive to the ego.  It wraps its gnarly little hands around your heart and puffs itself up in your mind.  Righteous indignation has its own energy and for some people can be quite compelling.

Take a look at the most recent time you felt mad about something.  Was there also a sense of righteous indignation?  Can you see how that feeling seems to justify your anger?  Can you see how puffed up righteous indignation is?

Alternatively, if you release yourself from the grip of righteous indignation, it might just be easier to more fully understand the anger you are feeling.  It will likely be easier to engage in a little self-inquiry and gain insight about the best course of action.  For often, anger calls for action.  Yet, when you jump into action without fully understanding the anger and it’s root source, you are likely to create more distance in your relationships and more stress in your heart.  In the same way, if you are still scrambled up with the full energetic charge of the anger you are likely to create more problems.

Therefore, a good strategy is to first release the energetic charge of the anger (there are a number of tools you can use for this), then engage in a little self-inquiry and finally decide on a course of action to take.  Because the root of most anger is some unmet need or want, your self inquiry might mean asking yourself a few questions like, “What did I expect that didn’t happen?  What do I need that I’m not getting?  How can I get my needs met without verbal violence?”  Most people get that it’s not cool to try to get your needs met with violence.  However, when you are caught up in your anger, you might think that their verbal violence is justified.  That’s one of the reasons it’s best to clear the energetic charge of the anger first.

What are your tricks for clearing the energetic charge of anger?  How do you release yourself from righteous indignation?

Over the weekend, I had the great good fortune to facilitate a private spiritual wellness and personal growth retreat.  The primary purpose of this kind of intensive experience is to facilitate a deep remembrance of your perfection and divinity.  Mostly, this means releasing the pains and tensions that have accumulated and restoring peace as your grounding so you can move forward in life with greater love.

As you can imagine, this work is profound and deep.  However, something came out of this weekend that can support you in your movement towards greater personal peace and love.  It’s about asking skillful questions.  Let’s jump right to it.

Asking yourself and others “why” questions typically lead nowhere beneficial.  Moreover, the initial, even unconscious, impulse upon hearing a “why” question is to become defensive.  You may feel like you have to justify your position or thoughts, or perhaps you feel a little insecure.  Either way, a “why” question is not likely to take you closer to your heart.

Folks who are deeply committed to their spiritual evolution understand the deep value of self-inquiry.  Yet, this inquiry gets thrown off track by a “why” question.  In the same way, folks who aim for intimacy in their relationships sometimes ask “why” questions of their partners.  Typically, not a good idea, as any response has to get filtered through the ego’s defenses.

Instead, try asking “how” or “what.”  See how that changes the conversation.

What has been your experience with “why” questions?  What happens when you change the question to “what” or “how?”  Scroll back up and leave a comment.