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committed love

January 8, 2010 – 12:50 pm

With delightful curiosity, a client recently asked, “What is the benefit of participating in a committed relationship?”  Great question.  I’m a fan of the long term commitment to learning to love one person and letting that person learn to love me.  Yet, with her question, I couldn’t quite find the words to answer the question.

So here’s round 2 of my attempt answer that question from my perspective and I would love it if you would join the conversation and add your point of view.

I think I’d start the exploration of answering that question with another question (tricky, right?), “What have been the benefits of your participation in other loving, committed relationships?”

I think there are “shiny” little presents that come from participating in a committed loving relationship that don’t show up in other areas of life.  I’m not just talking about the Redbook response here…you know…companionship, someone sharing your jokes…I’m talking about the benefit of participating in a committed relationship has to your spiritual growth.

I think that that participating in a committed relationship implies love.  That loving relationship then forms a kind of crucible for transformation.  In that crucible, I think we have the potential of becoming more adept at knowing what to let go of and what to hold on to — perhaps an essential knowing in growing more into who we really are as we walk in this human life — balancing attachment and non-attachment.

Another benefit is learning to balance respect for self with respect for other — learning to recognize, over and over and over the Divine within me and the Divine before me.  This kind of real balancing act becomes more nuanced in committing to love someone totally.  It becomes more nuanced in the community of intimate love.  Then, the love itself, the relationship itself becomes the wisdom teacher.  This wisdom blossoms in the field of committed love — again, what do I hold on to and what do I let go of in order to cultivate the knowledge of the Truth?  Not an easy question to answer.  Harder still in the context of committed relationships.  If not for the commitment, I don’t have to ask the question.

In a committed relationship, there’s the challenge to not lose oneself in the process, not to betray oneself — to remain true to oneself.  In some ways, I think being in a committed relationship is a commitment to discover and live in Truth – THROUGH the learning that comes from being in committed relationship.  So the commitment is a commitment to Truth and to the Self.  The relationship is the mirror.

And, let me tell you, after 30 years with the same person, sometimes that mirror needs some significant polishing!  The polishing takes the form of owning my shadow self with all its gradations and engaging deep with those parts of me that I would rather disown, deny or project out on my beloved.  He’s not so keen to be the object of my projections.  Truth told, neither am I.

Some say that this kind of commitment is a high level sadhana, spiritual practice and walk.  I’m not so sure, because that implies a greater than and a less than.  I don’t really buy into that line of thinking when it comes to sadhana.  That said, being in relationship like this, with this kind of commitment sometimes feels like graduate school at finals time!

I also think that there are layers and textures of humility, strength, love and respect that I wouldn’t be able to totally grock if not in relationship – these divine qualities expressed in humanity revealed in committed love shine as light through a mult-faceted diamond – hard won.  Just as a diamond is formed and revealed only after being subjected to pressure, a LOT of pressure – a lump of coal under pressure.  Perhaps committed love is the same.

The rough and unseen, unacknowledged and unrecognized rough edges of the ego are gradually exposed and worn away – revealing the shiny love of the Soul.  Whereas the ego reveals itself in our reactions each other,  the Soul may reveal itself in our deep acceptance of each other.

Still with me?

As for this kind of deep true acceptance, there’s the opportunity to unravel some metaphors of LIFE.  If I’m feeling challenged to fully accept something about my beloved, what’s the something?  What’s the metaphor here, what am I trying to teach myself through metaphor?  What does it really mean to accept another beyond the concretized illusion in front of me?

Another area in this playground of committed love is the jungle gym of power – relinquishing power and asserting power – more of learning to discern what to hold onto and what to let go of – that dance between our masculine and feminine natures.

In this dance, on this playground, I think that committed love has the potential of moving us past the IDEA of love to LOVE.  To love the idea of LOVE without the practical experience of getting back to LOVE frees seems to imprison one in a kind of virtuous delusion, liberated from the daily, sometimes moment by moment  struggle to fully LOVE someone – warts and all AND letting them learn to love you.

So.  LOVE becomes a territory, often without a good map.  It’s full of surprises, challenges, raw untamed beauty and raw untamed pain.  Commitment increases your capacity to love beyond what you think possible.  This kind of commitment demands you stay AWAKE and intentional.  It demands that you increase your capacity to fully see from another’s perspective.  Ken Wilber said, “The more perspectives I can see – the more I can LOVE.”

Obviously, this is not the only territory for transcendence, just one of the playgrounds.

The goal of this kind of love is transcendence:  trance – end – dance.

All this said, it seems to me that the big questions to ask are “What is the benefit of committing to love this person?  Are we both committed enough to awakened love, to do the hard work, to live outside the gilded cage of the idea of love to explore the unmapped territory of LOVE?”

On a lighter note, make some popcorn and rent “THE PRINCESS BRIDE.”  This fable is chock-ful of metaphors, fun, and heroism in the territory of LOVE.

OH!  And, check out my New Year’s Message Tele-Retreat!

So, what do you think?  Join the conversation and add your two cents.

By Melanie | Posted in cultivating peace, relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , | Comments (2)

sacred threads ~ defining ego

November 23, 2009 – 9:16 pm

OK.  I’ll give it a go.

First, let’s hear from Webster.

Pronunciation: \??-(?)g? also ?e-\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural egos
Etymology: New Latin, from Latin, I — more at i
Date: 1789

1 : the self especially as contrasted with another self or the world
2 a : egotism 2 b : self-esteem 1
3 : the one of the three divisions of the psyche in psychoanalytic theory that serves as the organized conscious mediator between the person and reality especially by functioning both in the perception of and adaptation to reality — compare id, superego

— ego·less adjective

My turn.

I think the ego is that part of you and me that feels afraid, like somehow we are different and alone.

And it’s that feeling many of us get when we think we something prove or we have to prove something (are those two different things?)

Ego, sweet ego.

It’s all the ways we find to feel separate, like we aren’t the same as everyone else.

It’s that part of us that budgets our capacity to Love, to love what is unfolding before us and within us in each unfolding moment.

It’s moment that you and I fold and scootch away from acknowledging to ourselves or someone else some small, or medium-sized or some large perceived failure.  For such failure becomes a less than in our eyes, separating us from others and our own true brilliance.

It’s all the wondering, “what would they think if they really knew?”  Or more simply, “what do they think of me?

Dear, sweet ego.

It’s when we sit as judge and jury, condemning ourselves and others for various misdemeanors.

It’s that part of us that finds elaborately unique and creative ways of stepping out of the stream of pure Love a thousand or more times each and everyday.

It’s the giving in to the pull to withhold an experience or expression of the truth, pure love, understanding, joy.

It’s all that clinging and holding on to this or that hurt, perception, belief, want, idea, anger or any of the other myriad ways we hold on.  That. That’s ego.

Your turn.

Here’s a little secret, we are NOT our egos.

Oh.  And, how about a little less ego and a little more love this holiday?

By Melanie | Posted in cultivating peace, relationships, sacred threads, this i believe | Tagged , , , , , , , | Comments (0)

listening through the ego’s ears

November 19, 2009 – 2:02 pm

I can always tell the difference when someone is listening to me through their ego and when they are listening to me through their heart.  However, I’m not always so adept at discerning when I’m listening through the ears of my ego and when I’m listening through the ears of my heart.

Nonetheless, I’m practicing…a work in process.  Sometimes, people say how hard personal development is, for it seems to never end.  My response?  “What else are you going to do with your life?”  So these days, I’m attending to listening.

Along with a colleague, Michael Carter, I’ve been working with the leadership team in a local school to increase their collaborative leadership skills.  This team has committed to giving of their time and energy to devote to this program, “AWAKEN! Collaborative Leadership”  for the 2009 -2010 school year.  Ultimately, the time and attention of these committed teachers trickles down and touches hundreds of lives!  Yayyyyy Teachers!

Anyway, we’ve been exploring the leadership principles that make up the AWAKEN Program.  One of those principles is wrapped around a willingness to engage in authentic communication…so, here we are, back to listening.

Clearly deep and real listening, the kind of listening that most of us yearn for in our relationships, transcends the ego and comes straight through the heart.  This kind of listening is free of shoulds and demands.  This kind of listening waits patiently and asks questions that aim at helping to better fully understand what’s being said.

One participant in the AWAKEN! Program shared that she’s noticing that she has often makes up her mind about someone and what they are saying AND finds a solution before they’ve even finished talking.  She committed to the group that she will be practicing listening…deep authentic listening.

Her willingness to share herself so authentically with the group and their response to her inspired me and deepened my own understanding of listening.  Even though I spend a good deal of my day listening, I began to pay more attention to the quality of my listening.

Am I listening through the ears of my ego or the ears of my heart?

Are you?  How do you tell the difference?

By Melanie | Posted in cultivating peace, relationships | Tagged , , , , , , | Comments (0)

shoulding, judging, and criticizing ~ oh my

October 7, 2009 – 6:40 pm

I think that my radar is turned on to the debilitating nature of having a judgmental attitude.  I see so much pain caused from the ego’s tendency of insisting that its world view is the CORRECT world view, as if there aren’t a gyadrillion perspectives on various life circumstances.  I am seeing this pain in my clients and on the news, all caused by ideas about how others should be.  It’s a pain that is not too difficult to prevent.

From personal and professional relationships ravaged by incessant criticism and judgments (spoken and unspoken) to the ethnocentric propaganda that contributes to conflicts between countries, unspeakable pain and suffering arise.   The position that any one of us holds the ONLY view about what is right and wrong causes pain.  This pain is rooted in the limited perspective of the ego.

And here’s the rub.  So many of us identify solely with the ego, we tend to forget that we are all part of a bigger picture AND we are all so much more than our scrawny adorable egos.  And, that’s the basis of what’s important to me.  It’s why I do what I do … helping make the shift from identification with the ego to identification with our greater Self.

So here we are . . . shoulding, judging and criticizing ~ oh my.

What to do?  It’s really not that tough.  If only for a day at a time, what if we all just began noticing the rules we put on how others should be living life, or what we should be doing?  Just notice.  Then make the choice, are you willing to drop the should? Are you willing to consider your should a preference?

I’m starting to think that should is one of the vilest curse words ever, even worse than … well, you know.

One more time, here’s the game.  Just start noticing how you should on yourself and others.  Notice how characters on TV cause pain and drama by shoulding on themselves and others.  Then, start noticing the rules you are placing on how others ought to live their lives.  Do these rules enrich your life?  Do they make you feel happy?  Do they contribute to your feeling more peace?

No?

So what if you just dropped the should?  What if you recognized that your should is really a preference?

What if we all stopped waiting for others to change.  Please?  You and I can truly change the world, one little should at a time.

What if we began with changing the shoulds to preferences?  Just for a week.

Wanna play?  What kind of magic might happen in your relationships if you stopped shoulding, judging and criticizing?  Just for a week.


By Melanie | Posted in cultivating peace, relationships | Tagged , | Comments (6)

metta meditation

July 11, 2009 – 6:49 pm

Just a quick note to let y’all know that I just uploaded a free metta meditation recording.  I hope you like it and you are inspired to meditate.  Post a comment and let me know what you think or better yet, tell us about your meditation practice.

I know that the recording is not studio quality.  So, that’s covered.  We dont’ have to go there.

You can find the recording under my brand new page “free stuff.”

Enjoy.

By Melanie | Posted in meditation, relationships | Tagged , , , , , | Comments (0)

sacred threads ~ pronouns for god

July 1, 2009 – 7:43 pm

“I, you, he, she, we.
In the garden of mystic lovers,
these are not true distinctions.”

~ Shams of Tabriz

Does the mystical Divine subscribe to a particular pronoun?

I tend to think not.  That may explain my ruthless abandonment of rules when I write about, speak to, consider “GOD.”  Sometimes, He, sometimes She, sometimes It … out in that field.  That field free of rules, that’s where I meet the Mystic.

As you might have discerned by now, I’m interested in exploring the sublime Knowledge of the Truth as described by saints and seekers across a wide variety of spiritual traditions and in my own experience.  In sharing this exploration, I’m first devoting space to the consideration of what various scriptures and sacred writings say about who or what God is . . . to me.

Here’s where I’m landing today (and for the last several years now).  In the feelings of inner peace, delight and love – that’s where I most feel the connection to Holy (see how I mix it up?  What is God’s true Name after all?).

I think of God as that all-pervasive Consciousness that permeates all that is.  I am THAT.  So are you.  So is every thread that comes together to weave this tapestry we are all creating together.  To tune into that awareness and align with the Vibration of Consciousness takes practice, attention, awareness, mindfulness and willingness.  I’m talking about willingness to drop our limited understanding, concepts and ideas, willingness to open to the presence of Grace in this unfolding moment.

For me, it gets rather simple.  If I’m feeling good, I’m feeling God.  If not, it’s up to me to restore my state to a more LIFE affirming stance . . . not through denial, through acceptance and transcendence.  I’ll get to that later :)

After all, God’s right here.  If I’m not there?  Where am I?

My golden key is in the embrace of the inherent power of taking full responsibility for myself while abandoning that sometimes not so unconscious wish and waiting for rescue from any of my own destructive tendencies.  By destructive here, I am referring to that old definition of “sin.”  Sin derived from the archer’s term of “sinning” – when one misses the mark.

This is not your mother’s “sin.”  If my mark is SELF-realization (recognizing with steadfast cognizance, I am THAT”), sin is anything that is not in alignment with recognition of the Truth.  Because that TRUTH is right here, right now as near as my next breath, as intimate as my own heartbeat.  My glorious responsibility in this play of Consciousness is to drop into the ever-available peace, love and/or joy in this moment.

The really good news is that it’s not that tough.  These days there are numerous tools and technologies at our fingertips to transcend our own limited state and return to the Garden.

Later, I’ll share more about how I return to the Garden.  For now, try this – re-read the poem at the beginning of this post.  Now, take a deep breath and read it again.  One more time, this time out loud (if you can without your neighbors calling the men in white coats).  What did you discover?

Like a hiker who has come to a magnificent vista as she rounds a curve on a trail, pause, take a breath, look up at the sky.  Even if you are inside, you close your eyes and remember the vista of the vast sky.  Breathe in and allow room for that mystical Presence hidden within the  the poem.  Give that Presence room and time to peek out at you and present itself.

It may also be useful for you to know my own thinking in regards to how to best play with this blog.  First, you might want to print it out, or set it as your home page so you can read and re-read.  I imagine that some of what I write may challenge you.  That’s ok with me.  I hope it’s ok with you.  Share your comments on the blog.

As you can tell by now, I’m not a scholar, I’m not a theologian.  My sole credential is that I love God, God of my understanding.  I yearn to love Him even more deeply and know Her completely.  And, I’m ok with the Mystery.

Most of us walk in blindness to the experience of the great Truth, despite the abundance of sacred and mundane writings pointing us clearly and directly to the Presence all around us and within us.  In this blindness, I not only accept but embrace the challenge of cultivating disciplined (read playful) self-responsibility and engaging self-effort to shift my identification from my small ego self to my True SELF . . . all the while LOVING that small ego self.

This challenging and playful dance reminds me of my worthiness to live in the steady awareness of God, allowing me to touch Love, experience Peace and delight in Joy.  Such rigorous assumption of self-responsibility jogs my memory of the Truth of who I am (and you are) creating heaven on earth ~ my personal paradise.

By Melanie | Posted in Uncategorized, cultivating peace, power of now, sacred threads | Tagged , , , , , , , | Comments (3)

surprising waves of grief

May 7, 2009 – 2:13 pm

img_40322I’m back from my world travels!  Yayyyy!  Greece was beautiful and I look forward to returning to that part of the world.  I lived in Izmir, Turkey when I was younger and loved it.  It was a magical time in my life.

Being in this part of the world again caught me by suprise.  The first couple of days I was PRICKLY!  My dear daughter only had to look at me sideways and I would start crying.  It was an odd combination of events that came together in a roaring confluence.

Making it all the more challenging was that I did not have a clue what was going on with me.  After much contemplation (yayyyy for self-reflection!), I realized I missed my mom, I missed my daughters knowing my mom and I missed my daughter even though she was now only a few feet away from me.

Here’s the deal, grief snuck up on me and gave me a good thump in my heart.  My mom passed in 1996 and Hannah, my youngest, has been living in France since January.  Compound that with being around ruins.  RUINS.  That’s what thumped my heart and opened this contorted grief storm.  We never really know what’s going to set off grief.

For me, this time, ruins.  When we lived in Turkey, my family would spend weekends finding ruins, playing in Ephesus, and generally having great adventures.  Ruins were my playground and it was magical.  Ruins reminded me of that time and of my mom.  And, I missed her.  A LOT.

Once I figured out wth was going on with me, it was much easier to just allow the tears.  I’m a big advocate of self-reflection.  Know Thyself.  What better place to engage in contemplation and self-reflection than Delphi?  Though the columns that support that ancient guidance have long ago collapsed, the wisdom lives on.

By Melanie | Posted in 3 Good Things, Uncategorized, birthday, meditation, mindfulness, power of now, relationships, this i believe | Tagged , , , , | Comments (2)

express appreciation

April 9, 2009 – 9:47 pm
photo by Hannah Patterson

photo by Hannah Patterson

“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

By Melanie | Posted in fresh fruit, relationships | Tagged , | Comments (0)

expressing appreciation

April 9, 2009 – 8:06 pm

I had a conversation recently with someone who was feeling under-valued and unappreciated.  Well, actually, I’ve had more than one of these conversations recently with more than one person.

Expressing authentic appreciation in our relationships is perhaps the single factor that can open the way for those we care about to understand how truly valued they are.  While the absence of appreciation can become fertile ground for growing toxicity within a relationship.

Whether it is a parent/child, husband/wife, friend/friend, brother/sister, employee/boss ~ regardless of the nature of the relationship, the expression of appreciation is like water to a thirsty plant.

Like plants, some of us need more appreciation than others.  Most people need a daily dose.  However, the key word here is authentic appreciation.

Here’s an invitation for you.  Just for a week, everyday express authentic appreciation for those with whom you share your life.  Get in touch with how grateful you are something you truly appreciate that your person did for you and then tell them “thank you.”

Look them in the eyes and let the fullness of your genuine, heartfelt gratitude flow from you to them.  “Thank you . . . when you did . . . it filled my need for . . . or . . . I felt . . . Thank you.”  Experiment with how you express your gratitude and what really lands with the other person.

Have a little adventure with expressions of gratitude, expressions of appreciation and see what happens.  Post a comment by clicking on the comments section above and share what’s happening for you with the expression of appreciation.

By Melanie | Posted in relationships | Tagged , , | Comments (2)

Give Understanding

February 3, 2009 – 7:45 pm

photo by Hannah PattersonToday, someone could really benefit from your understanding. Who is it? It might even be you!

By Melanie | Posted in fresh fruit | Tagged , | Comments (0)