We human beings are dynamic creatures and our relationships are vibrant expressions of that dynamism. But problems can often arise, especially in long term relationships, when we fall into the habit of thinking we know – thinking we know what our partner thinks, will say, or will do in a given situation. We turn our mates and even ourselves into static, one-dimensional images instead of allowing the full range of our potential to be expressed in each moment.
It’s easy, in our current culture especially, to fall into this trap of substituting the part we think we know for the whole that is there. We are constantly inundated with information we often don’t need and barely have time to process. It can be comforting to feel we have one person we really know, even if that person is ourself.
However, we can also suffocate under that “knowing.” We can feel imprisoned by our own assessment of our personality and potential and we can make anyone with whom we are in relationship feel trapped by what they are “supposed” to be. Have you ever surprised yourself or someone else and heard the words “you don’t do that”?
Staying curious about the people in your life – yourself, your partner, your parents, your children and your friends – allows them to express every aspect of who and what they are as they change and grow. It gives them (and you!) the freedom to explore themselves and explore their relationship to you.
In general most of us want to keep an active curiosity. We’ve heard it’s good for our brains to learn something new every once in a while. But it can be a little frightening to dismantle the images and ideas we have of one another and it can produce anxiety in some people to have those images dismantled.
The best ways that I have found to keep a long term relationship alive and thriving is to wed active curiosity about myself and the other person with an active awareness – compassionate awareness that takes practices the wisdom from Vasistha’s Yoga in my conversations. This means remembering the Four Gatekeepers of Speech and asking myself before I speak: is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? And is this the right moment to say it?
But what happens when only one partner becomes interested in something? How do you respond? It can feel distancing to be “left out” of a piece of your partner’s life. My choice is to become interested because they are. This means paying attention and asking questions, staying curious rather than assuming that I know.
How do you stay curious in your relationships? How do you respond when it feels a partner or friend could be moving beyond what you share together? How do you keep your relationship to yourself open and dynamic?

Have you ever noticed that when you are trying to make a decision and if you try to make that decision based solely on what you think someone else thinks you kind of throw yourself off?  That’s not to say that considering other points of view is a bad thing.  In fact, I think it would serve us all to be able to slide into another point of view, and allow other points of view to impact us.  Nonetheless, each of us has a point of view.

Reflecting on “what is my point of view?” can open up a world of creativity and confidence.  Instead, many of us get stuck in a bit of mechanical or habitual thinking when it comes to point of view.  We get stuck in unconscious impressions about what our point of view should be or even aligning with what it used to be, rather than opening to the current moment by moment experience of the preciousness of who we are now.

Lately I’ve been noticing how some of my artist clients get thrown off course when they lose their point of view.  When an artist loses his or her point of view, something magical about their art is lost.  In that case, we all lose.  For artists help us all see things from a different perspective and in that seeing, there’s an expansion of Awareness.

Not just artists, but each of us has a unique point of view.  Moreover, if we consider each being to be a manifestation of Divine Consciousness, our unique point of view a precious perspective.  When we deny or compare points of view, from my perspective, we are denying some bit of Spirit peeking out through our eyes.  When we compare our points of view with judgment— one is bad, the other is good, we are only becoming more entrenched in the illusory world of duality and missing out on glimpsing something more Divine.

Imagine the possibilities of fully standing in your point of view while respecting another person’s point of view though it might be different than yours.  What if, instead of having to convince someone else that our point of view was the right one, we approached different points of view as yet another mysterious way that Consciousness reveals itself – no right, no wrong, just a different perspective?  How might that change our relationships with ourselves and each other?

These last couple of weeks, I’ve been hearing a theme in my work with people – “How do I disagree with my partner in a respectful way?”  A young couple I’m seeing in my practice have been going around with this one for a while.  I certainly remember being in the first years of my relationship with husband, David (going on thirty years now).  We sure have bumped up against the challenge of respectfully disagreeing.

It’s not uncommon when we disagree with someone to feel disrespected or not heard.  We can all easily make the mistaken assumption that our loved one’s disagreeing, their having another point of view, means that they either don’t hear us — after all, if they really heard what we were saying, how on earth could they disagree!? — or that they are simply being disrespectful.

Disagreeing is neither.  Disagreeing simply means that the other person has a different perspective.  Sometimes, the only way David and I could find our way through an argument was to take a deep breath and say, “You know, you and I just aren’t the same.”  That can feel like a hard fall from the sweet space of falling in love.  Others say, “the honeymoon’s over.”  Yes, and . . .

Learning to disagree and equally important, learning to accept that our sweet one doesn’t see life the same way we do is essential to fully respecting each other.  Cultivating the hard won appreciation that our beloved sees the world through their own eyes and not ours ultimately grants a kind of serenity you might feel after practicing a balance pose over and over and finally standing on one foot with complete equipoise.

Here are few tips to help you hold your balance when you are thrown off by disagreements:

1.  Listen, really listen.  Make sure you really hear what the other person is saying.  Listen for the content and the feelings beneath the content.  What are they feeling?  What need are they trying to express?  Reflect back what you hear to make sure you fully understand.  As much as possible, reflect your understanding with kind words and a kind open expression.  Sometimes, if you are still feeling charged up because you are not being heard, this kind of listening might be very very difficult.  If that’s the case, practice self control and/or take some time and clear the charge you are feeling so  you can listen more carefully.

2.  Practice being courteous.  One of the qualities that gets lost in many relationships is simple courteousness.  Everyday, aim to treat “your people” with kind courtesy.  This might mean treating each other like guests in your home, it might mean doing tiny kindnesses for them.  In disagreements, this means sharing your point of view politely in a calm voice.  Again, if you are feeling too charged up, learning to clear the emotional energetic charge can really help you listen to your beloved and express your point of view with heartfelt respect.

3.  Ask if your disagreeing partner is ready and willing to hear your point of view.  Be ready to wait as they really and truly may not be in a place that they are ready to listen to you.  If they are ready and willing, share yourself.  Share your thoughts and the rationale behind what you think.  As best you can, share your needs and your feelings.  Don’t make them guess.  Remember, you do not need to abandon or sacrifice self respect to respect someone else.  Share from a position of truly sharing, not to try to convince or persuade, just to share.  Part of your sharing might include how hearing your partner has influenced your perspective.  Or perhaps has you listened, you could hear some truth in what your partner shared.  You might even have clarity about what need of yours is in play. What need is being met or not met by your perspective.

4.  Finally, remember that coming to agreement does not necessarily mean that you will 100% agree with each other and it doesn’t always mean compromising.  There are gradients of agreement.  And from my perspective, the value of learning to disagree with each other respectfully is coming back to the sweet spot of truly seeing and being seen by the one you love.  That’s the true aim of disagreeing respectfully.

I wonder how our world might look if we all learned to disagree respectfully and honored gradients of agreement.  What are your tips for disagreeing respectfully?

Anger generally has an outward directed energy.  Someone in your life does something that does not meet your expectations or standards and you get mad.  Or they don’t do something they said they would do and you get mad.  Or they fail you or someone you care about and you get mad.

Often this “mad” is also accompanied by a kind of righteous indignation.  It’s that righteous indignation that is so very seductive to the ego.  It wraps its gnarly little hands around your heart and puffs itself up in your mind.  Righteous indignation has its own energy and for some people can be quite compelling.

Take a look at the most recent time you felt mad about something.  Was there also a sense of righteous indignation?  Can you see how that feeling seems to justify your anger?  Can you see how puffed up righteous indignation is?

Alternatively, if you release yourself from the grip of righteous indignation, it might just be easier to more fully understand the anger you are feeling.  It will likely be easier to engage in a little self-inquiry and gain insight about the best course of action.  For often, anger calls for action.  Yet, when you jump into action without fully understanding the anger and it’s root source, you are likely to create more distance in your relationships and more stress in your heart.  In the same way, if you are still scrambled up with the full energetic charge of the anger you are likely to create more problems.

Therefore, a good strategy is to first release the energetic charge of the anger (there are a number of tools you can use for this), then engage in a little self-inquiry and finally decide on a course of action to take.  Because the root of most anger is some unmet need or want, your self inquiry might mean asking yourself a few questions like, “What did I expect that didn’t happen?  What do I need that I’m not getting?  How can I get my needs met without verbal violence?”  Most people get that it’s not cool to try to get your needs met with violence.  However, when you are caught up in your anger, you might think that their verbal violence is justified.  That’s one of the reasons it’s best to clear the energetic charge of the anger first.

What are your tricks for clearing the energetic charge of anger?  How do you release yourself from righteous indignation?

I’m not one to worry much about what other people think.  Nonetheless, a week or so ago I found myself feeling unsettled.  At first I could not figure out what had me feeling unsettled.  After a little intrapsychic digging around, I found the culprit.  I felt off kilter because of a mistake I made and I didn’t know the direct impact my mistake had on someone I care about, a client.

I sent her a bill that was way off.  It wasn’t the mistake that had robbed me of my general peacefulness, it was no knowing if my mistake had damaged the relationship.  Now for most people, that might not seem like much of a mistake.  That’s my point, even the smallest of mistakes can crack the crucible of strong relationships.  Moreover, if that crack goes unattended, it can widen.  Soon, the equity you have built up in that relationship begins to seep out.

Once I discovered what inner trickster had run off with my contentment, the solution was pretty easy.  Apologize.  I owned up to the mistake and asked this dear person what, if any, damage was done to the relationship.  Fortunately, no harm no foul.  However, had I ignored my error and just tra-la-la-ed along, I think damage would have been done.

One of the things that sometimes keeps people from owning up to their errors is pride, another is that they don’t have a sense of the relationship equity built up.  Just as you build up equity in your home and other resources by the contributions you make, you build up relationship equity with the generosity of spirit, honest and kindness we bring to your relationships.  With shared intimacy,  you build up relationship equity that you can dip into during those times of foibles.

Often people are far more forgiving then we suspect them to be for they too have made mistakes.  However, I think you lose relationship equity when you make mistakes and are too prideful (insert fearful) to admit the mistake, ask for forgiveness and do what you can to mend the tear in the relationship.  Relationships need and deserve tending.  Sometimes this means mending a tear, sometimes it means expressing our appreciation of others.  Sometimes it means sharing ourselves more fully.

How are you tending to your relationships?  What’s it like for you when you make a relationship mistake?

I recently had a conversation about vulnerability that has stayed with me.  On one hand, it’s clear that a willingness to be vulnerable, to share what’s true for you, deepens intimacy.  On the other hand, being vulnerable in the wrong circumstances or at the wrong time can leave you feeling exposed and even more vulnerable.  If you are willing to be vulnerable under the right circumstances, you might find yourself feeling closer to the person or people with whom you shared yourself.  This kind of sharing is bolstered by your willingness to be humble, discerning, courageous, honest and vulnerable.

Let’s take a brief look at each of these.  Humility in relationship means that you are willing to expose your less than perfect self.  You show some aspect of your real self rather than holding up some idea of who you think you should be or who you think others think you should be.  This kind of holding up gets exhausting and decreases intimacy.  Ultimately, holding up these kinds of ideas of yourself begins to feel vacuous.  In intimate relationships, it can erode trust.  Conversely, a willingness to be humble cultivates trust and intimacy.

Yet, to expose your warts and all in the wrong circumstances with the wrong people can leave you feeling even more vulnerable and exposed.  It’s better to discern how much to share and walk slowly, so you feel safe.  After all, you don’t dive into a lake without knowing how deep the water is and if there are hidden rocks.  In the same way, as you share a little bit and see how the person or group responds, you get a better sense of how trustworthy they are and how well your needs are met once you do share.  At the same time, it’s good to be clear on what kind of response you would like from others so you can make a clear request.  Discernment is key, for you might decide, out of fear, not to disclose or risk being vulnerable with a group or person who could really support you if you would let them see the real you.

Once you decide that you are willing to be vulnerable and share some truths about you, mine the courage hidden in the cave of your heart.  We all have felt scared.  We have all felt the fear of exposure and being found somehow less than ideal.  However, how sweet the connection is when people are real with each other. It takes courage to be real. 

It takes courage to show yourself, warts and all.   I read somewhere that courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.   If you wait until you are feeling fully at ease in all relationships all the time, you might wait a very long time to experience the sweet connections that are all around you.

Of course honesty is one of the cornerstones of meaningful and long-lasting relationships.  Yet, this one trips a lot of us up.  A small change in a story here or there doesn’t seem to make much difference.  However, WE know the difference and that difference can begin to feel like a chasm in relationship.  Honesty helps you settle into yourself more fully.  It helps you mine the courage it takes to be real.

And being real, showing up in your relationships with a willingness to show your less than perfect self requires a willingness to be vulnerable.  Vulnerability is often thought of as weakness, yet the strength of long-lasting meaningful relationships is fertilized by a willingness to be vulnerable — in the right circumstances, with the right people, again, we are back to discernment.  Truly, though, how can people really support you if you are not showing your real self?  How can others see the beauty that you are if you are not willing to show them the real you?

Over time, honesty, humility, courage, discernment and a willingness to be vulnerable help you show up for your life as YOU, rather than some idea of you.  When you show up as YOU, life can feel pretty rich.

I’m curious, what have you learned about the relationship between deepening intimacy and vulnerability.  Post a comment and share your wisdom.

One of my precious clients told me a heartbreaking story about being excluded from family gatherings during the holidays.  (Truth told, I think all of my clients are precious.  They trust me with their heart, their spirit, their dreams.  They invite me into the intricate intimacies of their lives, understanding and trusting that I can help them re-establish themselves in a steady state of peace regardless of the storms of life.  Here’s a little shout out to all my clients!)

Back to my client’s story.  Being excluded from family gatherings broke her heart and was truly not justified, this is NOT someone who is intrusive, demanding and, well, crazy-making.  She is generous of spirit and graciously kind.

Unpacking the pain of this experience took a little while.  First there was the hurt, then there was the anger, and then, another layer of hurt.  The anger was hiding for a while.  Many people who are committed to their spiritual journey sometimes avoid or deny the “A” word, anger.  Yet, anger has a lot of energy that can be used for your advantage and support your evolution.

That said, you can learn a lot from anger and make tremendous strides in your unfolding.  You just need to uncover the wisdom in the anger.  The first step is to do a little self-inquiry (if you don’t know how to do that, check out my series, Reclaim Your Life.) Find out what is at the root of the anger.

The primary sources of anger come from only three places:  you’ve been told a lie, your boundaries have been violated or you want or need something you are not getting.  Essentially, as the Bhagavad Gita says, “From desire, anger is born.”

Thus, the first step is to figure out, what is the unmet need or desire.  In relationships, most people desire both honesty and respect.  This desire in and of itself is not a problem, it’s the attachment to the fulfillment of that desire where people get in trouble.  In the same way, anger itself is not the problem, it’s what you do with the anger that’s the problem.

Discovering what is at the root of your anger can go a long ways towards revealing the wisdom in the anger.  For once you know the root of the anger, you can begin creating a plan to meet your needs and release the attachments connected to your desire.  And as we all know, releasing attachments is a good thing on the spiritual journey.

Your plan might include creating safe space for a courageous and calm conversation with the person involved.  It will likely include acceptance of you and them.  I often includes radical acceptance of the other person with full knowledge of their tendencies.  This means releasing them from any expectations, no matter how reasonable the expectation.  Finally, it might mean seriously limiting your contact with them.

Sounds so simple, yes?  Not so fast.  For many people before they can even begin the self-inquiry to find the source of the anger, they need to release the incredible energy that accompanies anger. Or they need to know how to create safe spaces for courageous and calm conversations.  Or they need to access their resources and find someone to help them heal and release the knots in their heart and their relationships

Those are posts for another day.  In the meantime, how do you release the energetic charge that accompanies anger?

On Saturday, I had the great good fortune to spend time with about 10 women who were keen to learn how to Take Yoga off the Mat for the Holidays.  I shared tools and tips with them about how to let go of the stress associated with the holidays and how to untangle from the tyranny of expectations.

One woman shared that part of her intention for being there was to set a strong intention for how she wanted to be during the holidays.

This is such an important lesson.  When you know how you want to be, you can use that feeling state as a reference point, as a kind of beacon.  When you know where you are heading, it’s much easier to see when you’ve gone off course, and make any course corrections needed to get yourself back in line with your goal.

I intend to cultivate lightheartedness during the holidays.  What about you?  What kind of state do you want to cultivate?  Seriously, post a comment and share your intentional goal.  Put it out there.  Together we can create some kind of wonderful.  Imagine the mosaic of jeweled qualities secretly shining in people all around the world.  It makes me think of the heart-openingly beautiful stained glass I’ve seen.  Imagine our hearts shining with the multi-colors of our best qualities…lighthearted, peaceful, loving, joyous, playful, gentle, grateful, compassionate … the jewels of our hearts sublime qualities compile a long list.

It’s one thing to make a commitment to the kind of state you want to play in for a period of time.  It’s another thing to COMMIT to restoring your state when you’ve gone off course.  How will you course correct?  By that I mean, what are you going to DO to return to you intentional state of being?  Alternatively, how will you cultivate your chosen state?

These are real questions.  Scroll to the top and comment to share you wisdom!  Let’s think of this as a kind of virtual gift exchange — share what you know and help others create the kind of holiday that will nurture their spirit while letting their heart’s jewels shine.

P.S.  Don’t miss out on my next retreat!  Register before December 15th for the early bird discount.

This morning, my daughter shared a video with me.  And I want to share it with you.  So, instead of posting something for you to read, take a few minutes and watch this video.  This is why I do what I do.

So, how’s your state?  What are you empathically sharing with others?  If your state is not quite where you want it to be, how do you shift your state?

For many people, the holidays is fraught with stress and disappointment.  For me, the tragic part of this tale is that such disappointment and stress is imminently avoidable.  But here’s the paradox, if you let yourself feel any disappointment without dissolving into it and if you let yourself reflect on the sources of stress, you are more likely to be able to restore yourself to a sense of peace.

However, restoring to peace sometimes means letting go of the fulfillment of unmet expectations — yours and others.  It means discovering what demands you are placing on yourself and evaluating whether and how to let go of these demands.  Are you sensing a common thread here?  Let go.  Really.  Try it.  Right now, take a deep breath and let go.  Let go somewhere in your body.  Let go of the straining to get this done and that done.  In this letting go, you can truly begin finding a path back to your own peace. 

Isn’t that what the holidays are about?  Peace?  Love?  Joy?  Yet, it seems that the need to protect your peace is even greater at the holidays than at any time of year.   This year, make time to protect your peace.  Take a yoga class.  Go for regular walks, just to walk.  Take my mini-retreat class, Yoga of Relationship ~ You & the Holidays.

There are any number of ways you can create a more fulfilling holiday.  If you find yourself dreading the next round of the holidays, take a few minutes and get crystal clear on your intention for the holidays.  What do you want to experience?  If you have that kind of experience, what will that mean to you?  What do you need to change or do in order to create a holiday experience that reflects your intention?

Here’s a call to action for you.  Take five minutes sometime this week and reflect on your intention for the holidays.  Then answer this question, “How will I protect my peace this holiday season?”

Please share by posting your comments!